(Written in February 2006)
\nBleak again.\u00a0 No warmth anywhere.\u00a0 I feel desperately alone, yet I don\u2019t want anybody to come for fear they would be disapproving and rejecting.\u00a0 This is the cold of rejection.\u00a0 This is outer darkness.\u00a0 I\u2019m outside the container even of God.\u00a0 Well, no, at some level I know that\u2019s not true.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t feel the presence of God.\u00a0 I can feel my butt on the couch, my legs, my foot on the floor.\u00a0 But I feel all alone in a vast cold emptiness.\u00a0 It makes sense that this is how a baby would feel when mother has gone away and hasn\u2019t come back.\u00a0 The baby has cried and cried and nobody came.\u00a0 There is no one else to come.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t know that mother intends to come back.\u00a0 As far as she knows, she\u2019s all alone in the universe, and she isn\u2019t big enough to take care of herself.\u00a0 Every now and then my heart softens toward this cold, lonely, frightened despairing creature.\u00a0 Then I get lost in her again and am back in her cold, stony reality.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019m not going to leave her, at least not intentionally. I hope when I read comforting books that she can still feel my presence.\u00a0 I\u2019m struggling to trust that this IS a process, that if I can stay with it long enough, something will change.\u00a0 The frightened baby will soften.\u00a0 Or I jenny will develop a strong enough container that I will be able to feel myself holding her, instead of being lost in her feelings.\u00a0 I remind myself that the feeling of \u201cforever\u201d is the baby\u2019s, not the reality, it is the frozenness of trauma, a vortex I am caught in, and not my whole life.\u00a0 I look for a resource and find my butt on the couch, thigh resting on thigh, left foot on the ground.\u00a0 I can see the flames of the fire moving, and squirrels at the feeder.\u00a0 Things do move. There is a process.\u00a0 There is a healing process in motion.\u00a0 It can take a long time to heal terrible wounds.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in February 2006) Bleak again.\u00a0 No warmth anywhere.\u00a0 I feel desperately alone, yet I don\u2019t want anybody to come for fear they would be disapproving and rejecting.\u00a0 This is the cold of rejection.\u00a0 This is outer darkness.\u00a0 I\u2019m outside … Continue reading