(Written in January 2006)
\nSaw Deborah St. Cyr for acupuncture yesterday.\u00a0 Told her about the feeling in my chest, and that if I said to myself \u201cIt\u2019s a traumatized baby\u201d then everything softened and it was easier to be with the fear.\u00a0 When she started putting needles in, she said something about \u201cstrengthening the container.\u201d That reminded me of Beth\u2019s sculpture and the one I had wanted to make and how I had seen that the heart was shielded because it needed to heal, and then the heart needed to connect with the baby, not turn outward again.\u00a0 Then it came to me \u2014 the baby is in the heart!\u00a0 That\u2019s why the heart is all grey like the baby was.\u00a0 That was very exciting \u2014 it\u2019s not the grey of stuckness, degeneration and death, it\u2019s the grey of a frozen traumatized baby.\u00a0 Even writing it down I can feel the shift \u2014 from being angry at myself for waking scared again to compassion for the terrified frozen baby, and willingness to stay with it as long as it takes.
\nAnd if it takes the rest of my life, I\u2019m willing to do that.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing that I care so much about this baby, who is me, as though the baby were the earth, or all the babies traumatized by war, and not Jenny who I\u2019ve never thought was worth that much focus and effort.\u00a0 But the baby doesn\u2019t seem like \u201cme\u201d, more like the task I\u2019ve been given and I\u2019m willing to take it on.\u00a0 My work to heal this traumatized fragment of the universe is meaningful.\u00a0 And I think one thing that\u2019s helped this shift is Sharon Salzberg quoting the Buddha as saying there\u2019s no one more worthy of your love in the whole universe than yourself.<\/p>\n
Something has shifted because I don\u2019t care if I ever \u201cget back to zero\u201d or \u201chave a life\u201d.\u00a0 I\u2019m willing to go on like this forever (or at least today I am) waking sad and scared, doing my art, walking the dog, going to therapy, meditating, teaching circle dance.\u00a0 Just as it is, it\u2019s enough.\u00a0 That thought doesn\u2019t make me feel glad, I\u2019m still sad, but it\u2019s OK.\u00a0 It\u2019s a worthwhile task and I\u2019m willing to do it.<\/p>\n
Did some good Somatic Experiencing work with Peter.\u00a0 I told him most of what\u2019s been going on.\u00a0 When I described the shielded heart he had me open & close my hands slowly, and I got all warm & soft inside.\u00a0 It felt wonderful \u2014 I said with surprise \u201cThere\u2019s so much love inside.\u201d There was a sense of strength in my legs and back, making a container for the soft heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in January 2006) Saw Deborah St. Cyr for acupuncture yesterday.\u00a0 Told her about the feeling in my chest, and that if I said to myself \u201cIt\u2019s a traumatized baby\u201d then everything softened and it was easier to be with … Continue reading