(Written in March 2011)
\nI looked out at the empty bird feeder and remembered the time I was angry at myself because I couldn\u2019t fill the hummingbird feeder.\u00a0 I feel a huge wave of remorse for having treated myself so badly.\u00a0 O gosh feeling a lot of pain and compassion for the one who is angry because she wants a bigger life and she loves the hummingbirds, and the one who wants so badly to fill the feeder and can\u2019t.
\nFelt sad & scared most of yesterday.\u00a0 I called Bobbi in the morning and told her how I was feeling.\u00a0 She talked a bit about the camp.\u00a0 She said she was delighted I\u2019d signed up because it meant I was feeling better.\u00a0 Then I tried to tell her how I was feeling hoping to get through to the crying which often relieves fear. We agreed that I was scared because of the part of me that says \u201cJust snap out of it.\u201d I tried to talk back to that one, to explain how my life is.\u00a0 Bobbi thought I was being too cerebral and wanted to work on it with NVC.\u00a0 She was worried that her phone was going to cut out, so I suggested we hang up and I\u2019d see if I could write what I needed to say.<\/p>\n
I do not choose to be this way.\u00a0 If it were possible to choose to enjoy the life I have now, I would do that.\u00a0 I am the way I am because something happened to me in the past that left me with a brain and nervous system that does not self-regulate in the way a healthy person was designed to. I struggle every day with feelings that belong to the past but get triggered by something in the present.\u00a0 I work very hard to manage this delicate hypersensitive nervous system.\u00a0 I work very hard trying to pay attention to sensations in the present.\u00a0 I struggle to not hate myself when I\u2019m having a hard time.\u00a0 What I need is compassion and empathy, not impatience, anger, disgust, or shaming.
\nThe other thing I need is to feel solid, centered and grounded.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThat helped.\u00a0 I called Bobbi back and read it to her.\u00a0 Then I said what I needed was to feel centered and grounded.\u00a0 I tried but couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 So I said what I\u2019d like to do is go walk the dog\u00a0 (It was a beautiful sunny day, and of course that often triggers me) so we hung up and I went out trying to be aware of my feet contacting the ground and my muscles working.
\nI wish I\u2019d written about the fear state while I was in it.\u00a0 I suspect that I was also dissociated.\u00a0 There was a lot of energy in front of my chest, it was in lines, sort of like a cage, and my energy was trapped in it, held in front of my chest and around and above my head.\u00a0 That sounds about right.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"(Written in March 2011) I looked out at the empty bird feeder and remembered the time I was angry at myself because I couldn\u2019t fill the hummingbird feeder.\u00a0 I feel a huge wave of remorse for having treated myself so … Continue reading