(Written in November 2008)
\nHow to describe how it\u2019s been for the last few days, maybe even a couple of weeks \u2014 I\u2019ve had no agenda, time has felt free and open, it\u2019s been OK to just do puzzles & read mysteries.\u00a0 & not force myself to do ANYTHING even walk the dog.\u00a0 The old push push push is gone.\u00a0 Needing to prove something is gone.\u00a0 When I first stated the belief \u2014 \u201cIf I do something and you are angry and upset, then I am bad worthless and rotten and should be dead\u201d I thought about Byron Katie\u2019s question \u201cWho would you be if you couldn\u2019t think that thought?\u201d and I just felt sick and sad and trapped and stuck.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t imagine how that would feel.\u00a0 There might even have been a thought \u201cI wouldn\u2019t be me.\u201d I didn\u2019t see any way to shift it, so I just dropped it.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t even talk about it, found myself unable to talk to Kayla or Lynelle about it even though a tiny voice said I was wrong not to tell them something that I imagine might relieve their minds about my recent withdrawal.\u00a0 But now, having this new experience of having no agenda, no push, no need to prove, I\u2019m thinking maybe this is who I would be if I couldn\u2019t think that thought.\u00a0 It\u2019s gone.\u00a0 It dissolved in the reorganization I was allowing to happen.\u00a0 O my!!\u00a0 There\u2019s an odd sense of emptiness, but I don\u2019t feel bereft as I did in \u201895 when I realized that my attempt to make a publishable book out of my journals was just an attempt to \u201cprove that I deserve to live even though my parents were disappointed in me.\u201d No opinions, no stories, no agenda.\u00a0 What a relief.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in November 2008) How to describe how it\u2019s been for the last few days, maybe even a couple of weeks \u2014 I\u2019ve had no agenda, time has felt free and open, it\u2019s been OK to just do puzzles & … Continue reading