(Written in September 2008)
\nWork with Caryn was fascinating.\u00a0 I started by crying, and then shaking, and then talking about my fears about Bella.\u00a0 She said it was too much, to stop piling it on and connect with resources, with the present moment, location etc.\u00a0 So I did that and then my shoulders kept jumping\/discharging while I was aware of my lower body containing and grounding me, and also being able to talk to Caryn about all kinds of things.\u00a0 Nia, the drama workshop, Journey, the fall from the ladder, my pain about never really being part of theater.\u00a0 The warrior reappeared (with 6-pack abs!) Kali reappeared, the articulate spokesperson for the journey women appeared.\u00a0 Caryn suggested I find a story to reframe what happened at the Nia training \u2014 the fall and not being able to insist on what I needed \u2014 but I couldn\u2019t quite do it \u2014 it feels like the pieces are still moving and not yet ready to integrate.\u00a0 I\u2019m being OK with the slight discomfort of that.<\/p>\n
Another interesting piece from the work with Caryn \u2014 I was talking about how the drama project had been disappointing, how there is no way to show what it\u2019s like to live with PTSD.\u00a0 Then I said maybe a movie could do it, I\u2019d be walking down the streets in Littleton and suddenly it becomes a battlefield: grey, dark, ruined buildings, burning cars, dead bodies…\u00a0 She asked how did my body feel and I realized there was a sort of layer of greyness, like grey armor, down the whole front of my body \u2014 beyond it was the battlefield \u2014 but at the same time I was aware of my body in the corner of the room, pressed into the cushions, the floor, and the walls, held securely in present time.
\nI talked a bit about the scientist, my search for truth, my training in paradigm shift \u2014 Caryn said I was building bridges between the trauma vortex and the present.\u00a0 Certainly I am much more present than I was the first time I saw her.\u00a0 I\u2019m also back in touch with many resources that I just couldn\u2019t find when things were really bad.
\nAt the end of the session I was tired & lay down.\u00a0 There was a feeling of exhaustion, relief, and also satisfaction, as after completing a task that required a lot of effort.\u00a0 What does satisfaction feel like in my body?\u00a0 That plump feeling, being re hydrated.\u00a0 Being full but also relaxed, weight sinking down.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2008) Work with Caryn was fascinating.\u00a0 I started by crying, and then shaking, and then talking about my fears about Bella.\u00a0 She said it was too much, to stop piling it on and connect with resources, with … Continue reading