(Written in August 2008)
Took 100 mg of Seroquel last night. Woke after 3 in a state of complete self-hatred, frozen self-rejection. Bella peeing a lot again after seeming a little better. I\u2019m so angry at myself for possibly wrecking her fragile balance. I\u2019ll try to get a urine sample today. I\u2019ve been praying for help but have no sense of anything but cold stony indifference. I listened to both Sharon Salzberg CDs, tried to feel compassion for myself, prayed for compassion for myself.
I keep thinking \u201cI just want to die.\u201d Then I say No\u2014 I want life to be easier. And I want Bella to be OK and I want to be in touch with the sacred. And I want to have compassion for myself \u2014 my poor foolish arrogant stupid self who wanted to have more and wrecked what she had. Wanted more excitement in my life & got overtired. Wanted Bella to have more variety in her food & set off an allergic reaction? a bladder infection? And am finding it incredibly difficult to forgive myself. Tho maybe I just got there \u2014 imagined I was somebody else and how bad they would feel, and then something softened. There, there, dear, you didn\u2019t mean to do it.<\/p>\n
Managed to get a urine sample and took it to Littleton. On the way back I started playing the slow Kyrie \u2014 my prayer – or one of them \u2014 has been for mercy. I tried to imagine the face of Jesus and suddenly saw this face looking at me with great compassion. It helped a little. I don\u2019t feel quite so lost in outer darkness as I did.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in August 2008) Took 100 mg of Seroquel last night. Woke after 3 in a state of complete self-hatred, frozen self-rejection. Bella peeing a lot again after seeming a little better. I\u2019m so angry at myself for possibly wrecking … Continue reading