(Written in August 2008)<\/p>\n
(This is part of the ongoing series describing my breakdown that started with the entry for March 4, 2011.\u00a0 I haven’t been able to deal with this material before without getting extremely anxious.)<\/p>\n
Karen thinks I\u2019m exhausted, that the visit to B.P. cost a lot more than I realized, that I hadn\u2019t fully recovered when I entered the two weeks of Telling My Story, Hazel, Dance Camp, etc.\u00a0 which was way too much.\u00a0 Karen says I\u2019m doing my best and I will recover.\u00a0 What I see is that I\u2019m doing my best and it\u2019s not good enough.\u00a0 It\u2019s a struggle just to feed myself properly.\u00a0 And I\u2019m missing the community piece, I just don\u2019t have enough support.\u00a0 Karen suggested trying to find a Chi Gung class \u2014 I was saying how I hadn\u2019t been able to keep up yoga since Sarah stopped teaching.\u00a0 Actually, I\u2019m hoping Nia classes will fill that empty space.
\nWounded too badly to live.\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting here looking at the broken pieces of my life and acknowledging that I don\u2019t have what it takes to pull it together and to even live a little of that wild, wide, and creative life that I think I had the capacity for.\u00a0 Though who knows, maybe I\u2019m wrong.\u00a0 But I feel a tremendous pressure of unlived life inside me \u2014 that led me to the Nia training and the drama project \u2014 but I don\u2019t have the physical strength and psychological robustness to keep going, to make up new Nia choreographies, etc.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have the base of support \u2014 a community of like-minded friends, some way to have meals be easier.\u00a0 Without that greater level of support, I don\u2019t see how to live that bigger life \u2014 but without some aspect of that bigger life, why go on?\u00a0 Why go on fighting the daily battles: to get food, to walk the dog, to deal with the bureaucracy, to keep up the house, etc?\u00a0 Only if it could support a life worth living.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in August 2008) (This is part of the ongoing series describing my breakdown that started with the entry for March 4, 2011.\u00a0 I haven’t been able to deal with this material before without getting extremely anxious.) Karen thinks I\u2019m … Continue reading