(Written in August 2008)
\nWhy go on?\u00a0 This is a serious question this morning.\u00a0 Not that I would try to kill myself today.\u00a0 My chest hurts, it\u2019s grey out, I\u2019m deeply discouraged.
\nThe Planet I love is in deep trouble, what little I can do to help seems so small and pitifully inadequate.
\nI need a sense of community \u2014 my community feels tiny and scattered.\u00a0 I need to be effective and I\u2019m too tired to keep my house clean.\u00a0 I need to make a contribution and what skills I have and what wisdom I have gained are not much use to anybody, not much in demand.\u00a0 I need a sense of hope, of a larger context and meaning, and it\u2019s all gone.
\nWent down to Dover with some musician friends to do a \u201cdiversity\u201d program for a company \u2014 it was a little discouraging.\u00a0 Very few got up to dance which triggered all my stuff about being unattractive and inadequate.\u00a0 We talked about ways we might do it differently to get more people to participate.
\nWell, I can see how an experience like that could re-stimulate my daily experience in my family of origin that what I have to give wasn\u2019t valued or wanted.\u00a0 This is the opposite of my experience in Laura\u2019s training last spring where the women were delighted with and grateful for what I was offering.\u00a0 That one was disconcerting because it went so strongly against my previous beliefs.\u00a0 The other one \u2014 yesterday\u2019s \u2014 feels like the way it is.\u00a0 It also felt \u2014 highly familiar feeling \u2014 like I was trying to lift a huge heavy weight all by myself.
\nI wish I were part of a group engaged in a project \u2014 doing something good for the planet \u2014 and the group was basically effective (I think of Heifer) \u2014 and I just played a little supporting role.\u00a0 So I did not have to do it all myself, so I wasn\u2019t in the limelight, so my failures and inadequacies would not matter so much.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in August 2008) Why go on?\u00a0 This is a serious question this morning.\u00a0 Not that I would try to kill myself today.\u00a0 My chest hurts, it\u2019s grey out, I\u2019m deeply discouraged. The Planet I love is in deep trouble, … Continue reading