(This was written in July 2008, just before I crashed really badly.\u00a0 I had been feeling so much better, and I thought I had “really gotten there” i.e. arrived at a place of health and strength.\u00a0 But I was actually on the threshold of the worst bout of PTSD ever. It took me over two years to recover.)<\/p>\n
Another sad thing about reading from 1988 is I have so many good ideas for professional development: courses in Astronomy, Astrology, workshops, etc. that I\u2019m unable to bring to fruition.\u00a0 The whole struggle with lethargy (physiological) vs. laziness (moral) that seems so silly painful and misguided in the light of an underfunctioning thyroid gland \u2014 Dana telling me I \u201cdidn\u2019t want to enough\u201d to overcome lethargy which was so painful and invalidating.\u00a0 Not something you would say, e.g., to a quadriplegic.\u00a0 What would have been validating for me to hear?\u00a0 Something like \u201cobviously you care a lot, you really want this thing to happen, but your physiology is just not able to support you.\u201d Would that have helped?\u00a0 Possibly a little, at least the validation of how much I cared and wanted.\u00a0 The failure to overcome the lethargy was due to lack of correct information<\/em> not lack of will power. This other version of myself \u2014 not the dull cramped ugly one who\u2019s not very practical and doesn\u2019t have much to say \u2014 but the radiant priestess who leads the dance, and the warrior who champions the oppressed, and the compassionate one who can be present to other people\u2019s very deep pain.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to believe that I could be her \u2014 but that\u2019s who I really am.\u00a0 And at the same time I\u2019m not that, I\u2019m the imperfect vessel, the servant who does her best to do the work of the radiant one in this world.\u00a0 Accepting this, I don\u2019t feel conceited at all, I feel humble and greatly honored.<\/p>\n I\u2019m noticing increased anger \u2014 grounded, solid, totally without guilt anger \u2014 at Mom & Dad for what they did to me.\u00a0 Validated anger.\u00a0 What they did was wrong, and it damn near wrecked my life, and if I hadn\u2019t been such a strong fighter, had such a clear vision of how my life was supposed to be, I wouldn\u2019t be sitting here now, happy with my life and feeling sure the battle was worth it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (This was written in July 2008, just before I crashed really badly.\u00a0 I had been feeling so much better, and I thought I had “really gotten there” i.e. arrived at a place of health and strength.\u00a0 But I was actually … Continue reading
\nThe tendency to make myself wrong for everything<\/em>, everything I felt, everything I experienced \u2014 learned from Mom & Dad and heavily impressed very early.\u00a0 Perhaps even impressed on a foundation of infant trauma, and infant misperception of being the center of the universe.\u00a0 Then reinforced by a culture that uses judgement and blaming to keep people in line.\u00a0 God!\u00a0 I am amazed and astounded that I got this far.<\/p>\n