(Written in July 2008)
\nReading 1987 is fascinating and painful.\u00a0 I\u2019m struggling with the plane phobia \u2014 doing a lot that I hope will help: DMA Structural Consulting, David Grove Workshop, NLP \u2014 also blaming myself and trying to figure out what\u2019s really going on.\u00a0 All of these are doomed to failure because I\u2019m not aware of the root cause which is trauma.\u00a0 No wonder I was depressed.\u00a0 And no one around me understood my agony so I was continually being invalidated, and I was invalidating myself.\u00a0 Painful to watch myself working so hard for no results.\u00a0 At least I can now appreciate my strength and determination and hard work.\u00a0 And have compassion that so much was misguided.\u00a0 Another huge issue I was struggling with was the one of not trusting my own feelings.\u00a0 At one point, doing structural consulting with Dana, I said \u201cYou mean I really am as lost as I feel?\u201d which brought about a huge deep change.\u00a0 Although I think it will be a long time before I get how important feelings are in being able to be grounded in reality.\u00a0 Then there was the problem that traumatized fear is not coming from current reality.\u00a0 So much of what I was trying to do to heal was sabotaged by not understanding the mechanism of trauma.
\nThen there was the whole issue of \u201clethargy\u201d vs. \u201claziness.\u201d At one point Dana even says \u201cMaybe you don\u2019t want to enough…\u201d thus reinforcing my parents\u2019 invalidation, but I was up against LOW THYROID, DAMMIT.\u00a0 DAMMIT DAMMIT.\u00a0 No, I am not a lazy person.\u00a0 And I did care about many things, and I was unable to take action because my body wasn\u2019t functioning properly.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been reading from 1988.\u00a0 I seem to be doing really well, pleased with my progress.\u00a0 Knowing that I\u2019m going to tumble down into severe misery leaves me wondering \u2014 what was this?\u00a0 Was I really doing better?\u00a0 Yes, I guess I must have been \u2014 there have certainly been plenty of ups amid the downs.\u00a0 At the same time I wonder what happened to all the great insights and learnings.\u00a0 Perhaps I felt better because I had seen that sexual abuse was part of the picture and thought that if I worked on it I would get better.\u00a0 But I did the best I could and still didn\u2019t get better.\u00a0 I talk a lot about \u201caddiction to achievement\u201d, and I was certainly dealing with that somewhat, but now I see that I also had a need to be effective, to trust that if I had an intention I could carry it out, to see my intellectual insights bear some fruit in change of behavior.\u00a0 But all my insights and intentions kept running aground on post-traumatic stress and low thyroid.\u00a0 Then I would fall into the default position: it was all my fault, I wasn\u2019t disciplined enough, maybe I \u201cdidn\u2019t really want to.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 So painful to read.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in July 2008) Reading 1987 is fascinating and painful.\u00a0 I\u2019m struggling with the plane phobia \u2014 doing a lot that I hope will help: DMA Structural Consulting, David Grove Workshop, NLP \u2014 also blaming myself and trying to figure … Continue reading