{"id":1110,"date":"2011-02-19T12:30:07","date_gmt":"2011-02-19T17:30:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=1110"},"modified":"2011-02-19T12:30:07","modified_gmt":"2011-02-19T17:30:07","slug":"bleak-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=1110","title":{"rendered":"Bleak"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Written in February 2008)
\nWoke feeling bleak.\u00a0 Heart like a stone.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell if I\u2019m tired or if I\u2019m depressed.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t want to do anything.\u00a0 I read in Animals in Spirit<\/a>: \u201cDeath means wanting to be peaceful; it\u2019s knowing that your work is done.\u00a0 There is no struggle because it feels right.\u201d p107 That\u2019s how I\u2019m feeling.\u00a0 My only struggle is because I think I shouldn\u2019t feel that way, I should make myself …what?\u00a0 Shape up?\u00a0 Get busy?\u00a0 When I felt my heart\u2019s cold stoniness this morning I had a moment of compassion, of wanting to comfort it, and then went back to feeling stony which I think means I\u2019m angry at myself for feeling this way again.\u00a0 But now I\u2019m thinking well, this is how I am at this moment.\u00a0 What if I were to honor it.\u00a0 What if I couldn\u2019t think \u201cYou\u2019re wrong to be so tired.\u00a0 Start visualizing yourself as full of energy…\u201d then I would just let myself rest.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like I can\u2019t do basic life support for myself and Bella.\u00a0 That time of needing so desperately to be taken care of was short.\u00a0 Actually, maybe what I most needed to know is that it\u2019s OK to rest.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to justify it by thinking that I\u2019ve been sick, or adding up what I\u2019ve done to show that it\u2019s enough.\u00a0 One day at a time.\u00a0 It\u2019s OK to do nothing for the next 24 hours.\u00a0 Thy will be done.
\nI\u2019ve been reading The Dean\u2019s Watch<\/a>.\u00a0 Slowly, savoring every sentence.\u00a0 I feel nourished by it in a way that I\u2019ve not felt nourished by anything else I\u2019ve been reading.\u00a0 I also made scones yesterday, and they turned out well!!\u00a0 GOOD FOR ME!
\nDream fragment from the night before: Struggling to drive up a hill, road washed out.\u00a0 Maybe this is where I am in my life right now.\u00a0 Having to travel slowly on a path that has not been smoothed or leveled in any way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Written in February 2008) Woke feeling bleak.\u00a0 Heart like a stone.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell if I\u2019m tired or if I\u2019m depressed.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t want to do anything.\u00a0 I read in Animals in Spirit: \u201cDeath means wanting to be peaceful; … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1110","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-healing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1110","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1110"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1110\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1110"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1110"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1110"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}