(Written in January 2006)
\nWoke scared this morning.\u00a0 Called Karen who called back pretty quickly.\u00a0 She asked about yoga, art, writing for guidance.\u00a0 I told her I\u2019d done all those and gone out on snowshoes too.\u00a0 She said then I had done everything I could do.\u00a0 That my fear was causing me to check everything minutely to see if it\u2019s working and then panic if it\u2019s no better.\u00a0 [I see now what I didn\u2019t see then, this is hypervigilance.] She said I need to just keep going.\u00a0 She talked about acceptance and surrender, but I don\u2019t know how to do them.\u00a0 I see that I can at least do my practices with the idea that they are helping me get through the day, and not ask that they make me better.<\/p>\n
My heart is burning and squeezed.\u00a0 I feel torn by fear and grief together.\u00a0 A while back I had the thought that I could validate my feelings if I were dealing with major loss \u2014 but I am dealing with major loss, loss of a stable platform for my life.
\nIt\u2019s painfully discouraging to be so vulnerable, so easily triggered by a casual thought or an unconscious belief.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what triggered the fear this morning, it woke me up.\u00a0 I\u2019m so tired of this.\u00a0 I\u2019ve lost my hope that I will ever arrive at a long enough period of stable brain chemistry to be able to just sink into my life and enjoy it.\u00a0 I fear that the times that have felt good: when I was so pleased with how the house turned out and my creative process was flowing, when I felt so good last fall \u2014 undistorted and confident, that these good times are just rare peaks in a journey that mostly travels in dark valleys.\u00a0 Maybe even feeling good about myself and my life triggers depression because of the old, old belief that it\u2019s not OK to feel good about myself.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great.\u201d And if that\u2019s true, what\u2019s the point in going on living?\u00a0 Wounded so badly that it can\u2019t live, why not kill it, put it out of its pain.
\nWell. Analysis doesn\u2019t help.\u00a0 I was OK yesterday and I will be OK again.<\/p>\n
Affirmation:\u00a0 Spirit is in charge and Spirit has a plan in which there\u2019s a place and a use for a creature as wounded as I am.\u00a0 Just as I am, I am part of the plan.\u00a0 Just as I am, I am doing the work of Spirit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in January 2006) Woke scared this morning.\u00a0 Called Karen who called back pretty quickly.\u00a0 She asked about yoga, art, writing for guidance.\u00a0 I told her I\u2019d done all those and gone out on snowshoes too.\u00a0 She said then I … Continue reading