(Written in March 2009)
\nSo how am I feeling?\u00a0 Fragile and lost.\u00a0 Not quite as easy to be with as it was on Sunday.
\nI actually felt very strange last night after I got back from dance \u2014 lost, not quite here.\u00a0 Caryn says \u201clost\u201d comes with the territory, it\u2019s part of shifting from the old ways to something new and healthy.<\/p>\n
\nNotes from session with Caryn:
\nThe way I am stabilizing core is not fixation but orientation to present.
\nFixation is orientation to the past.
\nStabilization is a dynamic response to now.
\nFear = Freeze
\nDial down the charge of the fear
\nNotice grief, pain, flow<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIt was hard work.\u00a0 Felt very lost driving down, a little better coming back.\u00a0 Can\u2019t remember enough of the session to write about it.\u00a0 I said I was upset she\u2019ll be away, she said she didn\u2019t like it either, didn\u2019t like leaving me for so long with me in such bad shape.\u00a0 I had hoped I would be starting to feel better by now.
\nCaryn did say \u201cWhy do these things resurface 30 years later?\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014 perhaps because the person becomes more resourced and can handle them.\u201d
\nO yes, working with fear, found pain and grief under the fear.\u00a0 First one had my hands moving, at first like wringing, then it seemed like I was pushing stuff on, away, out \u2014 odd fibrous stuff like seaweed.\u00a0 Image of the waves gently nudging & rolling the seaweed & moving it along the shore.<\/p>\n[This was the first appearance of the image that became the “Braid of Misery” in the ritual I did last November.]<\/p>\n
The second time we worked on the shock of fear I felt this morning.\u00a0 A burst like a dandelion gone to seed (like \u201cshocked heart\u201d) \u2014 she suggested could I turn the volume down so I \u201cturned\u201d a knob & saw the fibers grow soft and limp.\u00a0 Staying with the soft limp piece I found hurt \u2014 being hurt by Mom & spoke up \u201cyou hurt me and then made it be that I was too sensitive instead of that you were cruel.\u201d Caryn suggested I was integrating it, making a container big enough to hold the hurt child and my adult understanding.
\nWhen I got home, Eleanor came to say goodbye.\u00a0 She said she could see that I was working very hard in one area of my life & that I would have no energy for other things.\u00a0 I told her about the huge grief I felt and was trying to move along.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"(Written in March 2009) So how am I feeling?\u00a0 Fragile and lost.\u00a0 Not quite as easy to be with as it was on Sunday. I actually felt very strange last night after I got back from dance \u2014 lost, not … Continue reading