(Written in June 2008)
\nExercise in nurturing: As people shared, I realized that one huge – necessary! – thing that sets the stage for me to be able to nurture myself is to be able to accept what is happening in the present moment, and to remember that when I can\u2019t do that, I can still accept my resistance, or weakness, or inability to accept. Sometimes it helps to make the time interval as short as possible. Also paying attention to what works for me, and what doesn\u2019t work, what I\u2019m drawn to, and what I want to avoid. Avoiding is fine as long as I know that I\u2019m doing it. Paying attention to what Martha Beck calls \u201cshackles on\u201d and \u201cshackles off.\u201d
\nAnd what I really want to say is Thank god for this circle of women. Thank god for Neskaya, and for my persistence and hard work in making it happen. Thank god for the \u201ctough little drip that just wouldn\u2019t quit.\u201d O yes \u2014 and the importance of trusting the process to bring me what I need instead of trying to make it happen.
\nWe were able to do the walk through the woods as part of the retreat. They loved it! That was actually very nourishing for me \u2014 to be able to take in their delight and that I had made it possible. I think that\u2019s something I\u2019ve always wanted to do \u2014 make people happy \u2014 but because nothing I did ever made mother happy, I concluded that I \u201ccouldn\u2019t do it.\u201d I lost faith in my ability to perceive what would make someone happy, got too scared to try. Now I\u2019m finding that the things that make me happy \u2014 shared \u2014 make other people \u2014 the right kind of other people \u2014 happy and that\u2019s the best joy of all. I suppose if some of my efforts had made mother happy I might have turned into a people pleaser. But it seemed to me, no matter what I did, whether I was true to myself or untrue to myself, nothing pleased Mom. No, maybe I\u2019m wrong, she wanted me to be untrue to myself and I couldn\u2019t do it. Despite all her talk about individuality, she was jealous of mine, of my exuberance and creativity and my ability to do my own thing and not care what others thought. She did her best to kill that in me. Poor Mom. I wonder what happened to her.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in June 2008) Exercise in nurturing: As people shared, I realized that one huge – necessary! – thing that sets the stage for me to be able to nurture myself is to be able to accept what is happening … Continue reading