The way this monologue got written was that while I was trying to help Mom & Dad, I wrote everything that happened in my journal as a way to hang on to my sanity. \u00a0At first I imagined turning it into a sort of Greek play, with the nurses as chorus. \u00a0That came out of Mother’s statement “If he just stopped being fed…” \u00a0I was tempted to say “That’s murder!” but was discouraged by the nurse. \u00a0As it turned out, I finally understood what was going on for Mom when my dog Bella was dying. \u00a0It is so hard to go on being with a loved one when they are dying and there’s nothing you can do about it. \u00a0There were moments when I just wished it would be over. \u00a0On the other hand, I was also able to experience my love for her in a new and wonderful way. \u00a0I wish I had been able to say to Mom “It must be so hard to be with Dad and not be able to do anything to make him feel better.” \u00a0So I did not turn it into a Greek tragedy, but just typed up the journal entries as usual.<\/p>\n
Several years later, my friend Beverly and I went to a workshop at Rowe<\/a> with Jean-Claude van Itallie<\/a>. \u00a0It was called The Healing Power of Theater. \u00a0He taught us a form for a monologue. \u00a0It is spoken in the first person, in the present tense, do not use the word “and.” \u00a0What happens is the event you are narrating becomes very present. \u00a0A quite amazing technique. \u00a0I knew immediately that it was what to do with the journal material from that time.<\/p>\n So I rewrote my journal, in the first person, in the present tense, no “and.” \u00a0I read the result to a number of friends, and also used it in a Ritual of Letting Go<\/a>. \u00a0In the process of rewriting, I discovered a number of things, in particular Mother’s use of the passive voice to avoid responsibility, and how she would make me wrong for asking a question rather than give me an answer.<\/p>\n Here is what I wrote in my journal after I got back from the Workshop, in December 1995:<\/p>\n December 4<\/p>\n I wake at about 5:00.\u00a0 <\/span>I have that tightness across the face and the slight nausea that let me know I haven\u2019t had enough sleep. … \u00a0I remember a dream, just the final image. …<\/p>\n I give in and get up.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s dark outside… \u00a0 <\/span>[Marginal note: I\u2019m too excited by the idea of working with the material from father\u2019s death]\u00a0 <\/span>… I describe making tea, take it upstairs, light the candles, and begin to write.<\/p>\n It\u2019s July first, 1986.\u00a0 <\/span>The call comes from my brother Jack… \u00a0 <\/span>[first draft of 4th July Monologue] \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>…..\u00a0 <\/span>[three pages]<\/p>\n I\u2019ve been writing for an hour.\u00a0 <\/span>Time to stop and feed the birds.\u00a0 <\/span>This is fascinating and wonderful and I love it.\u00a0 <\/span>I realize that I couldn\u2019t do the play about my father\u2019s death because I couldn\u2019t make up dialogue.\u00a0 <\/span>Working with the narrator in the present tense and giving the bits of dialogue I remember is the way to do it.\u00a0 <\/span>Hurray!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The way this monologue got written was that while I was trying to help Mom & Dad, I wrote everything that happened in my journal as a way to hang on to my sanity. \u00a0At first I imagined turning it … Continue reading