Tuesday, July 1, 1986
\nIt\u2019s July first, 1986. The call comes from my brother Jack.\u00a0 \u201cDad\u2019s in the hospital and Mom\u2019s on a bender.\u00a0 We\u2019ve decided one of us has to go home.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have a job or children, so it looks like it\u2019s got to be you.\u201d Dad had called Jack because his right arm doesn\u2019t work, and Jack\u2019s number was preprogrammed in the phone.\u00a0 Jack called the hospital because Mom was too drunk to take care of Dad.\u00a0 I call to tell Mom when I\u2019m due to arrive, afraid she\u2019ll say \u201cWhy are you coming?\u00a0 We don\u2019t need you.\u201d She says \u201cOh, I\u2019m so glad you\u2019re coming.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wednesday, July 2
\nWhen I get home, Mom is getting ready to go to the hospital to see Dad.\u00a0 On the way over she complains that the hospital had called her last night at 9:30 to get permission to admit Dad because he couldn\u2019t sign his name.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t see why they had to call that late, why didn\u2019t they get everything they needed before they left?\u201d I bet she was drunk.\u00a0 She says \u201cI don\u2019t know what we give them all this money for.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to give them any more.\u201d She acts like it\u2019s a personal affront.\u00a0 I think of trying to explain to her about how big institutions work but don\u2019t bother.\u00a0 She\u2019s never wanted to know what it was like for anyone else.<\/p>\n
In the hospital, Dad orders us around: \u201cGet a washcloth.\u00a0 Rinse it out in warm water.\u00a0 Wipe my face.\u00a0 Put some ice cubes in a glass.\u201d Then he fishes with his good hand in a drawer and brings out what looks like an eyeglass case.\u00a0 He hands it to me and says pour in about a third of what\u2019s left.\u00a0 In the eyeglass case is a little flask of vodka.\u00a0 I pour it out for him. He can\u2019t get very much down any more.<\/p>\n
Dad asks me to cut his fingernails, something that Mom has real trouble doing.\u00a0 She can\u2019t cut them close enough to please him because she\u2019s scared of cutting him.\u00a0 I am able to do that just fine, especially after soaking them in warm water.\u00a0 Then he starts barking orders.\u00a0 \u201cOpen that drawer.\u00a0 Get out the envelope.\u00a0 Find Dr. —\u2019S card.\u00a0 Go out to the desk and call him and get him to come cut my toenails.\u201d Mom says with an edge in her voice \u201cWhy spend good money for that when I can do it?\u201d I ask her if she wants to do it.\u00a0 She says yes, she likes doing it, even though she\u2019s scared to do his fingernails.\u00a0 I tell Dad that his wish to save her trouble looks to her like rejection.\u00a0 He says OK and she is pleased.<\/p>\n
We talk a little about trying to find home nursing care, so Dad can come home to see the Fourth of July special on TV.\u00a0 It\u2019s the \u201cTall Ships\u201d and sailing is something he really enjoyed.\u00a0 Dad says he knows Mom feels that getting nurses means she isn\u2019t needed.
\nWhen it\u2019s time to go, Dad says \u201cI really love you, Froggie\u201d, and she hugs him.\u00a0 I\u2019m astonished to see that they really do love each other.<\/p>\n
Here we have a man who has had a colostomy, has to be fed through a tube and get several medications every four hours (each time a different combination), who is on oxygen because his lungs are filling up with fibrous growths.\u00a0 He has a tumor in a lymph gland that is pressing on a nerve and causing weakness in his right arm, which means that he can\u2019t even put on his oxygen tube by himself.\u00a0 He\u2019s also beginning to be confused part of the time, probably because of all the drugs and who knows how they react with the alcohol.\u00a0 He\u2019s still drinking, it\u2019s all he can get through his swollen throat.\u00a0 And a woman who is elderly and herself an alcoholic has been taking care of this man for three months.\u00a0 Incredible! And totally crazy.<\/p>\n
Thursday, July 3
\nThursday morning. I\u2019m awakened by the phone.\u00a0 It\u2019s the doctor saying that Dad needs a scan related to more radiation treatments, and then he can come home.\u00a0 Mom comes in with a cheery good morning.\u00a0 I tell her what the doctor said and she crumples and begins to cry.\u00a0 She mumbles that she and Dad had made some sort of agreement on Sunday, presumably that he would have no more treatment, and now she feels he has let her down.
\nWe are in the kitchen cooking lunch.\u00a0 We talk about taking care of Dad when he gets home.\u00a0 I say I\u2019m concerned because I could handle giving him his drugs but I can\u2019t deal with the colostomy bag.\u00a0 She says she has no trouble with the colostomy, she\u2019s been helping him with it all along.\u00a0 I say we make a good team.\u00a0 We hug.\u00a0 I feel that everything is going to be all right, between the two of us we will be able to take care of him for the weekend.
\nBut during lunch she begins to go downhill fast, her speech gets slurred, she begins to talk incoherently.\u00a0 I say \u201cMom, if you\u2019re going to act like this, Daddy will be really unhappy and it makes me feel scared about taking care of things.\u201d\u00a0 I speak sharply and she shuts up.\u00a0 I think what if his colostomy bag has to be emptied, and Mom is out of it.\u00a0 He can\u2019t do it because his arm doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 If I try to do it I\u2019ll vomit.\u00a0 (Get so intimately involved with the body of that hated tyrant? YUCK!)\u00a0 If I get nurses in the house Mom will lose it completely.\u00a0 If I ask to have Dad kept in the hospital over the weekend, she\u2019ll get angry and say I don\u2019t trust her.
\nAfter a bit of agonizing, I decide I can\u2019t handle it, I\u2019ll have to get nurses for the weekend.\u00a0 I say to Mom \u201cI don\u2019t like to go behind your back, so I\u2019m telling you now that I can\u2019t handle it and I\u2019m going to call and get help.\u201d She is very bitter.\u00a0 She goes off to bed.<\/p>\n
I talk to a social worker at Cancer Home Care and describe the situation.\u00a0 I say Dad has a feeding tube and a colostomy and a complicated series of medications, and Mom has been taking care of him.\u00a0 She says in astonishment \u201cAt home?\u201d\u00a0 I say yes.\u00a0 I say I had to take the responsibility for getting the nurses in the house because neither of them would.\u00a0 The social worker is very supportive, tells me to make sure that I take care of myself.\u00a0 She tells me I\u2019ve done the right thing.\u00a0 This is a relief to hear after Mom\u2019s complaining.<\/p>\n
Suddenly the door bell rings \u2014 it\u2019s the ambulance with Dad.\u00a0 I run up to wake Mom, it takes quite a bit of shaking.\u00a0 I say \u201cDad\u2019s home.\u201d She lights up like a Christmas tree.\u00a0 I turn on the air conditioning and the oxygen.\u00a0 I go back to the ambulance to tell Dad that Mom\u2019s not too good.\u00a0 They bring him into the house on a rolling stretcher.\u00a0 He insists on walking upstairs.\u00a0 They say \u201cBoy, you\u2019ve got gumption.\u201d They sit him on the bed.\u00a0 As soon as they are out of the room he says \u201cBring me a martini.\u201d I get his ice and his glass and his little carafe of vodka.\u00a0 He tries to gulp it down in spite of the fact that he can\u2019t swallow and ends up spitting most of it out.
\nI say that there are nurses coming round the clock and the first one will be arriving in about an hour.\u00a0 Mom is crabby and bitter, but she manages his 4:00 feeding and medication just fine.\u00a0 She is starting to give him a bath when the doorbell rings.\u00a0 I go down and it\u2019s Irma \u2014 curly greying hair, snub nose, Kentucky accent.\u00a0 I tell her about the situation, that they are both alcoholic.\u00a0 She says \u201cno problem.\u201d I take her up but see that Dad is undressed.\u00a0 \u201cOh, he\u2019s having his bath, maybe we\u2019d better wait.\u201d She says \u201cWhy don\u2019t I do that?\u201d\u00a0 Mom backs away.\u00a0 Irma walks right up to Dad and introduces herself.\u00a0 He\u2019s sitting there, naked, looking all pitiful and shrunken, and he draws himself up and glares, for all the world like Ebenezer Scrooge, and says \u201cHow much do you charge?\u201d Irma is momentarily taken aback, then speaks right up: \u201cso much per shift, so much per weekend shift, time and a half on holidays.\u201d He says OK so she gives him his bath.<\/p>\n
Friday, July 4
\nThis morning Mom is really crabby.\u00a0 First she sneers: \u201cWe don\u2019t need these high-powered people.\u201d She says \u201cIt\u2019s inexcusable.\u201d This makes me feel like dirt, since I was the one who had done it.\u00a0 She makes one of those suspicious little trips out of the room, to which her children are all sensitized, preceeded by a perfectly innocent excuse: \u201cI\u2019m going to find the paper\u201d, \u201cI\u2019ve got to clean up a little in the pantry\u201d, etc.\u00a0 We know she\u2019s going for a nip out of one of the hidden bottles.<\/p>\n
Mom complains about the cost of the nurses.\u00a0 She says \u201cWe\u2019re paying them so much, and the house is still a mess.\u201d I say \u201cShall we get a housekeeper instead, is that what you want?\u201d\u00a0 She says \u201cThat\u2019s a very unfair question to ask me.\u201d\u00a0 She complains that the nurse emptied the wastebasket.\u00a0 I say \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with that?\u201d She says \u201cWe aren\u2019t paying them all that money to take out the garbage.\u201d<\/p>\n
She complains that Dad made her come in and show the nurses how to do the colostomy bag.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re paying all this money and I don\u2019t get a break.\u201d I tell her to say \u201cNo, let the nurse do it.\u201d Then she starts in about how the nurses aren\u2019t any good and she can do it better.\u00a0 I say I think she and Dad are more relaxed since the nurses came.\u00a0 She said she is \u201ctenser than ever.\u201d I feel terrible.\u00a0 I got the nurses to make things comfortable for Dad, but she\u2019s angry about it.<\/p>\n
She says that until Dad went off in the ambulance Tuesday night she had felt in control and now control had been taken out of her hands.\u00a0 I feel she\u2019s blaming me.\u00a0 I hurt like hell inside \u2014 I made a difficult decision, trying to make things easier for Dad, and she\u2019s angry about it.<\/p>\n
Mom is still upset that he is going for the radiation treatment.\u00a0 When I ask her why, hoping to get her to talk about it, she says as nastily as possible \u201cYou don\u2019t know?\u201d I say \u201cI don\u2019t know unless you tell me\u201d, and she says \u201cI just don\u2019t know where to begin.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dad & Mom & the nurse & I all watch the tall ships on TV this morning.\u00a0 Dad seems to enjoy it.\u00a0 I love the part where they just have music and a lot of pictures of ships and white sails and sparkling water.<\/p>\n
Mom has him completely in her power for the first time.\u00a0 I hear her on the phone, saying with delight \u201cIt\u2019s like having an infant in the house.\u201d No wonder she doesn\u2019t like the nurses.<\/p>\n
We talk with the day nurse about Dad going for more radiation treatment.\u00a0 I\u2019m confused because I don\u2019t know what Dad really wants.\u00a0 Mom thinks he\u2019s being railroaded by the doctors.\u00a0 Mom says \u201cIf I had my way, I\u2019d call a halt to the whole thing.\u201d\u00a0 I say, very straight and serious, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you?\u201d She is silent for a moment, then says \u2018\u201cI can\u2019t tell you that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dad says to me: \u201cThe doctor made the arrangements and I didn\u2019t say no.\u201d I ask \u201cIs it what you really want?\u00a0 Because if not all you have to do is say so \u2014 I\u2019ll support you.\u201d He says he doesn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
Mom says that he told her he was doing it because the doctor wanted him to.\u00a0 The nurse says that the treatment might reduce the swelling and ease the pain.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t think he would regain the use of his arm.\u00a0 Of course he\u2019s really panicked because with only one arm he\u2019s completely helpless, he can\u2019t even put his oxygen tube back without help.
\nMom keeps saying \u201cIf he can\u2019t be whole again, what\u2019s the point?\u201d Dad\u2019s in the same boat.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t want to go on, but he\u2019s not capable of saying STOP.\u00a0 And the medical people, true to their training, will go on trying to save him until he dies or somebody says no.\u00a0 They\u2019re like two ships without captains, at the mercy of winds and currents.\u00a0 So it\u2019s left to me to make the decisions.
\nMom\u2019s worried about how she will cope with the Hospital.\u00a0 I call the social worker who is helpful about arranging ambulance pickup.\u00a0 I mention the alcoholism and then begin giving monosyllabic answers.\u00a0 She says \u201cYour alcoholic parent is standing right there so you can\u2019t say anything.\u201d I say \u201cYou\u2019ve got it!\u201d We both laugh.<\/p>\n
This evening we watch the fireworks.\u00a0 We think the show will begin at 8:00.\u00a0 Dad puts off his sleeping medicine and gets comfortable on the couch.\u00a0 But the fireworks don\u2019t begin til nearly 10:00 \u2014 Dad is too tired to enjoy them and begins to complain about the background music.\u00a0 He gets really angry.\u00a0 He would have stormed off to bed except that he has to get the nurse to help him.\u00a0 I can see that Mom thinks that it\u2019s all her fault that the fireworks were no good.
\nI go outside to get away.\u00a0 I hear fireworks all around.\u00a0 I can see a few in the southeast.\u00a0 Mars is right there too, and Saturn in Scorpio.\u00a0 The trees are full of fireflies \u2014 it is lovely and magical.<\/p>\n
After Dad is in bed, the nurse explains to Mom that the radiation treatment would spare Dad some pain.\u00a0 Mom says: \u201cWe\u2019ve already been through that.\u201d\u00a0 Nurse: \u201cYes, but this is a new site, they have to do it again for each new site.\u201d\u00a0 Mom: \u201cWhy put us through all this business again?\u201d Nurse: \u201cIf I were you I\u2019d have the radiation, but not chemo-therapy.\u201d Mom (outraged snarl): \u201cOh, they know better than to talk about chemotherapy to us.\u00a0 But why do the radiation?\u201d\u00a0 Nurse: \u201cBecause it would spare him the pain.\u201d\u00a0 Mom: \u201cBut why spare him the pain? If he just stopped being fed…\u201d I can\u2019t believe she\u2019s saying this.\u00a0 I say: \u201cMom, the radiation won\u2019t prolong his life, it will just make it a bit easier.\u201d\u00a0 Mom: \u201cBut why do that?\u201d (How do you answer such a question?) I start an angry \u201cMom \u2014\u201d but stop myself from asking \u201cAre you going to take responsibility for stopping his food?\u201d the nurse catches my eye, she gives a tiny shake of the head.\u00a0 Her support helps me swallow my anger.<\/p>\n
Just now I hear Mom say to the nurse \u201cHe\u2019s in pain.\u00a0 That\u2019s all I care about.\u201d I want to smack her, the hypocrite.<\/p>\n
Saturday, July 5
\nSaturday morning.\u00a0 Mom says: I don\u2019t understand why he has to go in for therapy.\u00a0 I say the doctor thinks it will relieve the pain and make him more comfortable.\u00a0 Mom: what does that matter?\u00a0 (I feel a surge of anger, how can you say that you bitch?) I say: Don\u2019t you want him to be more comfortable?\u00a0 She says: He\u2019s been uncomfortable for a whole year.\u00a0 She keeps going on and on about how she doesn\u2019t want the therapy.\u00a0 (\u201cI can\u2019t seem to get through to anybody.\u201d) (Yes Mom you get through, we just don\u2019t agree with you.)\u00a0 I keep saying it\u2019s to make him comfortable, not to prolong his life.
\nShe says (dramatically, like a soap opera): \u201cThree more months like this\u201d (gesturing upstairs) \u201cWhat\u2019s the good of that?\u00a0 If he can\u2019t be whole again…\u201d\u00a0 She says \u201cHe\u2019s not the man I love any more.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 She says he\u2019s a vegetable.\u00a0 (How can she say that?\u00a0 He\u2019s still conscious, he\u2019s still talking, as far as I can see he\u2019s as much there as he ever was.) Yet she won\u2019t leave, or give up and let the nurses do it.\u00a0 She complains that they don\u2019t know what they\u2019re doing, that she has to be there to tell them what to do, that she gave Dad better care, that the two of them had a routine worked out.\u00a0 She says she was doing a good job and enjoying it and now that\u2019s taken away from her.\u00a0 I feel like this is all my fault.<\/p>\n
I bring down the nurse\u2019s bill.\u00a0 Mom reacts with her usual negativity.\u00a0 \u201cI just don\u2019t like to be pressured and that\u2019s all I\u2019ve had.\u201d I know she doesn\u2019t want to pay them.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m trying to help Dad with the mail, a bill for boat insurance.\u00a0 Mom (nasty): \u201cWhat do you want to do that for?\u00a0 You won\u2019t be using a whaler, It\u2019s just sitting there at the Yacht Club, other people are using it.\u201d\u00a0 Dad: \u201cThat\u2019s what I want and I\u2019m going to give it to Jesse.\u201d\u00a0 Mom: \u201cJesse doesn\u2019t want a whaler.\u201d Jenny: \u201cLay off, Mom.\u201d\u00a0 He asks her to go get the checkbook to find out how much the insurance cost last year.\u00a0 She pretends she can\u2019t understand the request.\u00a0 He gets angry, shouts (to the best of his breathless ability) \u201cDon\u2019t make me waste my oxygen!\u201d<\/p>\n
Mom complains about the nurses: \u201cwhy pay them to sit around doing nothing most of the time.\u201d Dad reacts: \u201cDon\u2019t talk to me in that harsh voice.\u00a0 I can\u2019t stand it.\u00a0 You keep quiet and I\u2019ll talk to Jenny.\u201d I don\u2019t like the way he talks to me in her presence like she wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 I ask Mom if she would like to have a \u201cshift\u201d of her own, replacing one of the nurses.\u00a0 She says \u201cI don\u2019t want them in the house at all, I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll last two weeks, I don\u2019t understand why they want to take him to the hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurses are free-lance, they like to be paid within a couple of weeks rather than waiting for an insurance check.\u00a0 Dad doesn\u2019t trust Mom to pay them because she\u2019s been complaining so about them.\u00a0 So he asks me to write out the checks and then make Mom sign them.\u00a0 I say \u201cI can\u2019t make her sign them.\u201d I go down to get the checkbook, even though I feel it\u2019s an insult to Mom.\u00a0 I tell her he has a bee in his bonnet about paying the nurse tonight and why not humor him.\u00a0 She gets all huffy, \u201cI don\u2019t like to be distrusted.\u201d She gets out the checkbook and whines \u201cI can\u2019t do it til I\u2019ve balanced it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go up and tell him.\u201d I say \u201cYou don\u2019t want to get in a fight do you?\u00a0 I\u2019ll go up and tell him you want to balance it.\u201d I tell Dad \u201cDon\u2019t push her, she\u2019ll just resist.\u201d\u00a0 He agrees.\u00a0 I go back to Mom.\u00a0 She snarls: \u201cThey don\u2019t need their money right away, they can\u2019t cash a check tonight.\u201d I say \u201cI don\u2019t think the nurse cares at all.\u00a0 I recommend humoring Daddy.\u201d She grumbles.\u00a0 I say \u201cWell you can do it or not do it, it\u2019s your choice.\u201d She says \u201cOh sure,\u201d very sarcastic.\u00a0 I repeat \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do it.\u201d She says \u201chumph\u201d and goes to Dad. I can hear them fighting.<\/p>\n
They are in two different rooms.\u00a0 I am walking back and forth carrying the checkbook.\u00a0 Mom says: \u201cI don\u2019t like being pushed.\u201d Dad says: \u201cShe\u2019s making me a liar.\u201d I feel like the ambassador to the Russians.<\/p>\n
She says: \u201cI talked to the doctor today and I just can\u2019t seem to make her understand,\u201d meaning the doctor continues to think Dad should have the radiation.\u00a0 Mom says \u201cNobody listens to me.\u201d I say \u201cThe radiation may make him more comfortable.\u201d She says \u201cWhat does it matter.\u201d I want to kill her.
\nI sit in the bedroom between them.\u00a0 I say to Dad: \u201cShe doesn\u2019t want to be pushed.\u201d\u00a0 I say to Mom: \u201cDad told the nurse he would pay her tonight and now he has to go back on his word.\u201d\u00a0 I say to Dad: \u201cI won\u2019t write the checks for Mom to sign, it\u2019s unfair to her.\u00a0 You can explain to the nurse.\u201d I say to Mom: \u201cI\u2019ll put the checkbook downstairs and you can pay them in the morning if you want to.\u201d\u00a0 This is how they choose to spend the last days of their time together.<\/p>\n
Mom & I are spending a nice quiet evening with Dad on the night before he goes into the hospital.\u00a0 We are formally invited to \u201cjoin him for the cocktail hour\u201d, the nurse leaves the room.\u00a0 Do we have a pleasant visit, some gentle sharing?\u00a0 Not at all.\u00a0 First there is part of the great checkbook war, including bringing the balance up to date and checking whether the charitable contributions had been paid and recorded.\u00a0 Then the business of finding the flasks and filling them with vodka to take to the hospital.\u00a0 Two of the ones that look like eyeglasses and a larger one.\u00a0 We can\u2019t find the larger one, we look all over the dressing room.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking this may be his last visit with me and all he cares about is alcohol.\u00a0 Mom says there are more flasks downstairs, but that doesn\u2019t appease him.\u00a0 They\u2019re cheap plastic flasks.\u00a0 I say \u201cWhy is this one so important?\u201d He looks at me sheepishly and says, \u201cWe need all four of them for travelling, I keep hoping I\u2019ll travel again.\u201d I say, as gently as possible, \u201cDad, you won\u2019t be travelling again.\u201d
\nFor the visit, Mom had got dressed up and put on a blue and green dress that\u2019s casual but elegant.\u00a0 When she walked in, he said she was too dressy and she was crushed.\u00a0 Later, outside, we talked about how he was lying there, in his underwear, and of course felt defensive.\u00a0 She understood, but it never seems to sink in.\u00a0 I suppose it takes years of practice to learn to see from someone else\u2019s viewpoint.\u00a0 Later still, Dad said how pretty the dress was.\u00a0 She blushed and smiled like a teenager.\u00a0 They do really love each other, I\u2019ve been able to see that in these last few months.\u00a0 When I was growing up I thought they hated each other because of the way they acted.\u00a0 Neither of them ever learned how to behave lovingly.\u00a0 Their marriage was one long battle for control.<\/p>\n
I call Aunt Betty for help and have to leave a message.\u00a0 She calls at about ten.\u00a0 I answer the phone and immediately burst into tears, my god a sympathetic responsible adult to talk to.\u00a0 After I calm down I describe the situation.\u00a0 Aunt Betty is very supportive.\u00a0 I tell her that I had called to get the nurses because neither Dad nor Mom would take responsibility.\u00a0 She is dumbfounded.\u00a0 I tell her I\u2019m upset because I\u2019m caught between the two of them.\u00a0 She says \u201cNo, you can\u2019t do that.\u00a0 Leave immediately if you have to and let them fight it out.\u201d Mom comes into the room.\u00a0 I keep on talking like she wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 I\u2019m sick of carefully editing my telephone conversations.\u00a0 I say \u201cIt\u2019s totally crazy here.\u201d I say \u201cThey\u2019re behaving like two-year-olds.\u201d
\nMom is still in the room after I hang up.\u00a0 I say \u201cI\u2019m exhausted, I\u2019m going to bed, good night.\u201d\u00a0 Halfway up the stairs, I hear her call.\u00a0 I go back and she wants Irma\u2019s last name \u2014 she\u2019s writing the check.\u00a0 Or at least I think she is, I don\u2019t stay to see.<\/p>\n
Sunday, July 6
\nThis morning she starts into her routine about how she doesn\u2019t like him going for radiation, and the nurses aren\u2019t doing the colostomy bag the way she learned to do it and she thinks it\u2019s painful for Dad.\u00a0 \u201cWhen you\u2019re used to doing everything correctly and see everything going flooey, it\u2019s distressing,\u201d says she slurring her words and staggering slightly as she leaves the room.<\/p>\n
I won\u2019t be seeing him tomorrow, so when the ambulance comes for him, I say good bye knowing that I might not see him again.\u00a0 As they are wheeling him away he looks straight at me like he has just realized he might not see me again.\u00a0 He says \u201cThank you.\u201d I burst into tears.<\/p>\n
I talk to my brother Jesse on the phone.\u00a0 I say I\u2019m emotionally OK but physically burned out.\u00a0 He says \u201cGet outta there, Sis.\u201d I say I\u2019m torn apart between the two of them.\u00a0 He says, yeah, that\u2019s what they did to us as kids.<\/p>\n
I get a reservation out on a plane tomorrow.\u00a0 Mom\u2019s supposed to go stay in a room next to his at the hospital.\u00a0 She\u2019s not looking forward to it.\u00a0 She\u2019s scared: it\u2019s a big confusing impersonal place.\u00a0 She says \u201cNobody\u2019s ever done this before.\u201d\u00a0 I say \u201cThere are lots of other wives in your situation.\u201d She doesn\u2019t want to hear it.
\nI try again \u201cThere will be other wives there with their husbands.\u00a0 Maybe you\u2019ll even like some of them.\u201d\u00a0 She starts to resist, maintaining her posture of being the only one who\u2019s ever gone through this, then she laughs, accepts my suggestion, says \u201cI\u2019ve always liked people.\u201d<\/p>\n
Two weeks later:
\nHe\u2019s been in a coma for the past week.\u00a0 On the day he was supposed to get out of the hospital, I arrive from the airport.\u00a0 Mom says \u201cDo you want a glass of water?\u201d She gives me one without waiting for a reply.\u00a0 I think this is an odd greeting.\u00a0 She says \u201cSit down.\u201d I sit.\u00a0 She says \u201cYou\u2019re the last to know.\u00a0 We lost him this afternoon.\u201d What did she expect, that I\u2019m going to faint?\u00a0 At least she\u2019s sober.
\nMy brother and sister and I go to view the body.\u00a0 The coffin is at one end of a big room lavishly decorated with white and gold.\u00a0 He\u2019s wearing his green LL Bean shirt.\u00a0 His cheeks are puffed out from the prednisone.\u00a0 He looks like a chipmunk.\u00a0 I touch his cheek.\u00a0 It\u2019s cold and hard and rough, like painted plaster.\u00a0 We say things we couldn\u2019t say while he was alive.\u00a0 Jack says \u201cYou were a lousy father and we love you.\u201d We laugh and cry and hug each other.
\nI\u2019m by the graveside.\u00a0 It\u2019s just the family and a few close friends.\u00a0 The minister says something about \u201call his defilements shall be washed away.\u201d I imagine my father free of the disease of cancer, the disease of alcoholism.\u00a0 The service is over.\u00a0 The gravediggers wait for us to leave, but we want to be there.\u00a0 They take away the green tarp that has concealed the grave and lower the coffin.\u00a0 It\u2019s a creaky, clumsy business.\u00a0 They take away their equipment and my brother Jesse jerks the shovel out of the pile of dirt and hands it to me \u201cYou first, Sis,\u201d because I\u2019m the eldest.\u00a0 I shove the spade in the dirt and throw some on my father\u2019s coffin.\u00a0 I feel enormous satisfaction.
\nWhen we get back to the house, it feels unfamiliar, decontaminated somehow.\u00a0 The emotion is palpable but I can\u2019t name it.\u00a0 Years later, I am reading a book by an incest survivor.\u00a0 She describes feeling \u201cnot terror\u201d when she went back to her father\u2019s house after his death.\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 \u201cNot terror.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Tuesday, July 1, 1986 It\u2019s July first, 1986. The call comes from my brother Jack.\u00a0 \u201cDad\u2019s in the hospital and Mom\u2019s on a bender.\u00a0 We\u2019ve decided one of us has to go home.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have a job or children, … Continue reading