1995: I Want to Feel that My Life has Meaning

From my journal for September 19, 1995

Last night I decided that I wasn’t going to fight my depression because there’s a way in which it feels restful. …  I see that what I want is not to be happy, or to accomplish certain projects like the dollhouse and the teal dress, or even enjoy working on such projects — which look pretty minimal and meaningless in the grey light of my depression — what I want is to feel that my life has meaning.  If I felt connected to the meaning of my life, doing or not doing projects would fall into place: I would either find motivation for doing them, or be easy with myself when I couldn’t do them.

“Finding motivation for doing a project and being comfortable with myself when I don’t have motivation.” This is exactly why doing the blog is perfect for me now. Do I feel that my life has meaning? I think Neskaya is the biggest part of it, but the blog feels meaningful too.

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