This was originally written in July 2005, and posted in April 2011. At that time I was still writing to my “Guides and Guardian Spirits.” I had some answers where they seemed to fall for my wrong idea that I had to help everybody who asked. So I didn’t write for guidance for a while. Then, when I started going to Quaker Meeting, and learned that Quakers taught about consulting an “Inner Teacher” who represented God, I began to write for guidance from “Inner Teacher.” I find this particular Guidance interesting enough to re-post:
Rupert Sheldrake and Matthew Fox in Natural Grace talk about the soul, how it’s like a field, centered on the body but bigger than the body — “the body is in the soul” — our souls overlap and interpenetrate so that what happens in one affects all the others — which validates my idea that my work on myself affects the human energy field. Perhaps it’s also true that I’m working on more than my “own” stuff — part of why it’s been so hard and such a struggle is I’m fighting against, or fighting to transform, all the negativity that’s out there, the denied depression and despair and grief and fear. If I knew that was true? Well then at least I could feel that my life isn’t wasted, even tho I never got enough of the experiences — friendship, lovers, worthwhile tasks, fun, creativity — that would make life enjoyable. I guess I have to let myself grieve for all that — hopefully so I can come back to a place of being grateful for what I do have and let go of the bitterness about what I didn’t get.
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling very sad about my wrecked life, about all the things I never got to do that would have brought satisfaction and pleasure, and that my chances of being able to widen my life to include more satisfaction and pleasure look very slim at the moment.
Dear Jenny, nine years ago, when you opened Neskaya, you were profoundly depressed and terrified. You were afraid that you might not even be able to teach two hours of dance a week. Since that time, you have tackled and succeeded with a number of things: all-day dances, workshops with British teachers, Dancing the Sacred Calendar, painting with Aviva Gold. You tried a number of things which didn’t last for a variety of reasons. You’ve made a lot of new friends. Even tho people move away, new ones have come. You have incorporated, applied for and got tax-exempt status and set up an endowment fund. You have changed your investments to socially responsible ones, and built yourself a house. You have made a positive contribution to the lives of many people: some you know, and others you don’t know about. You got on medication, weathered a painful divorce, and have done major healing work with Somatic Experiencing. This is all a tremendous achievement. You have trouble seeing it because the amount of healing you have done has made it easier to see the empty places in your life, and to see how much work and confidence and support is needed to be able to do some of the things you want to do: the Winter Solstice Pageant for example. You are seeing more clearly how badly you were damaged in childhood. You also have many fears: when your ankles hurt, or your energy ebbs, or only a few people come to dance — that this is the beginning of the end, that whatever it is will not recover and come back. You have suffered many losses, and haven’t had much chance to learn that things do return. But they do: your ankles are fine now, your energy will come back, and people will always come to dance. We suggest you use this low time to relax and rest, practice doing nothing, spend time with darkness and silence. This will nourish your own life, and even as you nourish yourself, you also bring healing to the planet you love. Rest on this dear Jenny. For all the pain and misery in your life, you are not adding any pain to the world. Even this is a tremendous achievement. Let go, let down, be at peace, rest on the Everlasting Arms, they are there for you. We love you, dear Jenny, and you are doing fine just as you are.