From my journal for January 28, 1996
Dana said something about “life moving in to fill every niche.” It’s a lovely image, and it reminded me of what Beverly said about seeds wanting to grow — and I see the degree to which I’m imprisoned by the idea that if I don’t do something, nothing will happen. Actually, it’s not as grandiose as that — obviously lots of things happen without my intervention from changing seasons to political elections. I think what I mean/feel is that no positive change will happen in my life: I have no sense of a process that carries me, supports me, heals me, nourishes me, brings new and good things into my life. Instead I feel like I’m always struggling against something that drains and debilitates me, that constant quicksand that I’m always trying to hold myself up out of.
I see the damage done by alcoholic parents who failed to support me, and expected me to do things, like take care of my younger siblings, that I was too young to know how to do. No wonder I feel so unsupported still. They never supported me, or encouraged me to ask for help. I remember once hearing them say “We were so smart to raise a baby-sitter before we raised a family.” I remember thinking, “Yes, and the “baby-sitter” went on to get a degree with honors from Wellesley.” So at least by that time I had learned that I was good for something more than baby-sitting.