Written today. Looking back, I see that I’ve only written one post about the knee pain. Reading it reminds me that my early trauma can trigger me into feeling more helpless than I am. After one week of feeling considerably better, I went back into serious pain, and it’s just gotten worse. I now have an appointment for a medical procedure that will hopefully take care of it.
Dear Inner Teacher, I am really having a very hard time. I am exhausted and discouraged. I just want to quit. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, there are lots of beings who love you, even when you are so discouraged and exhausted you can’t do the things you should do. You are once again beyond the end of your resources. Think of all the other people here at Kendal who are similarly discouraged and exhausted, and are unable to talk to anyone about it. You need to forgive yourself for quitting. What you are up against is huge, and compassion for yourself is appropriate. You are angry at yourself for not making the appointment for the procedure sooner and asking a friend to drive you. Jeanne said she would have. You are back to your difficulty asking for help. You also haven’t asked your friends to walk Mocha again when it would help. Dear Jenny, I can feel your resistance to having compassion for yourself. You really are very angry at yourself for “quitting.” Remember that you have quit before, and then after a day or several, found yourself picking up the task again.
Me: You’re right. I really am very angry at myself. And I really am refusing to ask for help when it would be appropriate.
Teacher: Dear Jenny, this has been a difficulty for you all of your life. Your parents made you wrong for asking for help. A few good experiences will not change that. It’s also true that because of the pain and exhaustion you have regressed, and the more adult behaviors are not available to you.
Me: Well, I am softening a little. Not quite ready to forgive myself.
Teacher: Remember that we all forgive you, that the Great Being forgives you. We all understand how hard it is to be human.
Me: Thank You.
After I wrote this, I went out with Mocha, my knee hurting, and met my friend Sharon. Bless her heart, she could see that I was in pain and she offered to take Mocha. Thank you, Universe, for the synchronicity.