From my journal for September 1994 and first posted in December 2022:
And finally I came to see (again again) that this miserable wimp is herself my task, this person who is so sensitive and precariously balanced, who can’t even keep her house clean, she’s the one that I’m committed, that I commit myself, to protect and nurture. Yes that’s the difference. It’s when I stop resisting the unfairness of God/universe, to have stuck me with this wretched body and damaged psyche, and accept the task, actively commit myself to her welfare, that’s when something changes, and I feel strengthened, and supported by ground under my feet. Riding in the car on the way home, I realized that the hated task that I must stick with is not forcing myself to “live with” the planes, but learning to “live with” my sensitivity, and that understanding also turns it around to something I can do.
Ah, yes, the “miserable wimp” who I’ve lately been calling “this odd, difficult, broken person.”
Had a moment of fairly extreme fear. I think it’s the world situation: Ukraine, Israel/Gaza, more threat in the middle east, Trump as a candidate, global warming…. Maybe the thing from MoveOn about being attacked by the Republican Party.
Don’t know how to explain about MoveOn except to quote from their letter:
“Recently, Trump henchman and former Attorney General Bill Barr published a propaganda piece in the right-wing opinion pages of The Wall Street Journal, calling on the Justice Department to investigate “serious allegations” against MoveOn—allegations of an unlawful, Russian-style criminal conspiracy against American democracy!
“Barr is attacking MoveOn for organizing to expose No Labels, a billionaire-backed dark-money political slush fund, and their reckless plans that would reinstall Trump in the White House.”
Read something I wrote in September 1994: “I realized that the hated task that I must stick with is not forcing myself to “live with” the planes, but learning to “live with” my sensitivity, and that understanding also turns it around to something I can do.”
Can I take this on now? Not sure what I meant by “live with,” I don’t think I had gotten so far as to think of “accepting” the planes, I think by “live with” I just meant not fighting them. But I do accept that we’ve damaged our world, and I need to accept and protect my damaged and sensitive self. And to keep letting go on the out breath, to keep handing myself over to the Great Being or Spirit or Universe or “this process,” to hope/trust that good may be being done through me tho I don’t know about it. And to keep choosing to trust that the Universe is Alive and Intelligent and holds us all in compassion.