I’ve been having a really hard confusing time. Excerpts from some relevant journal entries:
Friday, January 26 … this odd realization. Something to do with if God is in everything, then I “am” God, if god feels my pain then god is manifesting as odd, difficult, broken Jenny, and that’s somehow all right, but also a paradox. When I look at odd, difficult, broken Jenny from outside, I love her. !!
Saturday, January 27 Maybe I’m stuck in a part. I’m certainly feeling very odd. Hard to find words. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t feel connected with anyone. I don’t feel connected with Nature. I imagine a baby, and reach out to her, but I realize she’s frozen, she’s unconscious. I pick her up and she starts to fight. I keep holding her as firmly but gently as I can. She keeps fighting. Finally she slows down. I keep holding her. I apologize for forgetting about her. I just keep holding her.
Well I feel pretty solid, just sitting here holding the baby. Not interested in doing a puzzle. Just able to sit here & be quiet. Holding the baby and letting go of both of us on the out breath, me still holding her.Sunday, January 28 Feeling like such a useless, worthless person. Then I remember standing back from odd, difficult, broken Jenny and loving her. Can I do that again? where was that? — It was Friday morning, and I had been reading something in Rohr about how God is somehow all of us. God is in us and we are in God. Yes, I see why they have to say it both ways. It’s a paradox, that’s how it makes sense. I really get it, but it’s not possible to say in words. I suppose, if odd, broken Jenny is a manifestation of God, then it doesn’t matter if people like her, or think she’s a “worthy” person.
I guess there’s really nothing to do but keep emptying myself so God can work through me. Sometimes I feel Divine energy moving through me, sometimes I don’t. And I have no idea what the results are, and I don’t suppose anyone knows it’s coming through me, and all that doesn’t matter a bit. I do have to trust that something good is happening otherwise there’s not much point in going on.
…. everything seems totally unfamiliar. Maybe I am blended with another part. I think this is an older part, maybe teenager. Freshman at Wellesley? The summer Piet came to Maine? The one who broke David’s windows? The summer I broke my ankle? I’m feeling like what’s the point of going on. That first winter in Maine when I was suicidal? Definitely strong feelings of why keep making the effort to keep going. Well of course that happened many times in my life, it could be any of them.So I played a MyMix that started with Fire & Rain. ended with Times We’re Living in. “Days like flowers bloom and fade and they do not come again.” Do I believe that’s how life is? NO. That’s what I grew up with, but I believe that people are supposed to have more honest and real relationships and there should be a lot more love and not so much buying and selling. I believe loving communities are what we’re designed for, and that it’s possible for us to do it. I believe there are a lot of people doing it, but we don’t hear about them. I haven’t been able to find such a thing for myself.
It’s been a difficult day. The first thing that helped was the chapter on Mary Montague in The Dean’s Watch. For a while I was feeling really hopeless, unable to do anything worth while. O yes I tried to get in touch with another part but couldn’t do it. But I did manage to say I didn’t believe the cultural paradigm, and to hang on to an alternate possibility.
So what’s going on here? I see myself having odd realizations about my relationship/connection with God, attempting to connect with parts, making a statement about my worldview as against the cultural paradigm. At the time I was feeling very confused, but reading over this, I can see that I’m working on some important issues, but I haven’t come to any conclusion.