I’ve been having a really hard confusing time. Excerpts from some relevant journal entries:
Friday, January 26 … this odd realization. Something to do with if God is in everything, then I “am” God, if god feels my pain then god is manifesting as odd, difficult, broken Jenny, and that’s somehow all right, but also a paradox. When I look at odd, difficult, broken Jenny from outside, I love her. !!
Saturday, January 27 Maybe I’m stuck in a part. I’m certainly feeling very odd. Hard to find words. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t feel connected with anyone. I don’t feel connected with Nature. I imagine a baby, and reach out to her, but I realize she’s frozen, she’s unconscious. I pick her up and she starts to fight. I keep holding her as firmly but gently as I can. She keeps fighting. Finally she slows down. I keep holding her. I apologize for forgetting about her. I just keep holding her.
Well I feel pretty solid, just sitting here holding the baby. Not interested in doing a puzzle. Just able to sit here & be quiet. Holding the baby and letting go of both of us on the out breath, me still holding her.
Sunday, January 28 Feeling like such a useless, worthless person. Then I remember standing back from odd, difficult, broken Jenny and loving her. Can I do that again? where was that? — It was Friday morning, and I had been reading something in Rohr about how God is somehow all of us. God is in us and we are in God. Yes, I see why they have to say it both ways. It’s a paradox, that’s how it makes sense. I really get it, but it’s not possible to say in words. I suppose, if odd, broken Jenny is a manifestation of God, then it doesn’t matter if people like her, or think she’s a “worthy” person.
I guess there’s really nothing to do but keep emptying myself so God can work through me. Sometimes I feel Divine energy moving through me, sometimes I don’t. And I have no idea what the results are, and I don’t suppose anyone knows it’s coming through me, and all that doesn’t matter a bit. I do have to trust that something good is happening otherwise there’s not much point in going on.
…. everything seems totally unfamiliar. Maybe I am blended with another part. I think this is an older part, maybe teenager. Freshman at Wellesley? The summer Piet came to Maine? The one who broke David’s windows? The summer I broke my ankle? I’m feeling like what’s the point of going on. That first winter in Maine when I was suicidal? Definitely strong feelings of why keep making the effort to keep going. Well of course that happened many times in my life, it could be any of them.
So I played a MyMix that started with Fire & Rain. ended with Times We’re Living in. “Days like flowers bloom and fade and they do not come again.” Do I believe that’s how life is? NO. That’s what I grew up with, but I believe that people are supposed to have more honest and real relationships and there should be a lot more love and not so much buying and selling. I believe loving communities are what we’re designed for, and that it’s possible for us to do it. I believe there are a lot of people doing it, but we don’t hear about them. I haven’t been able to find such a thing for myself.
It’s been a difficult day. The first thing that helped was the chapter on Mary Montague in The Dean’s Watch. For a while I was feeling really hopeless, unable to do anything worth while. O yes I tried to get in touch with another part but couldn’t do it. But I did manage to say I didn’t believe the cultural paradigm, and to hang on to an alternate possibility.
So what’s going on here? I see myself having odd realizations about my relationship/connection with God, attempting to connect with parts, making a statement about my worldview as against the cultural paradigm. At the time I was feeling very confused, but reading over this, I can see that I’m working on some important issues, but I haven’t come to any conclusion.