Friday, December 8, I asked Erica for an extra appointment because I was having such a hard time. I’m being unable to say anything when I’m with my friends, and I imagine they are judging me for it.
I tell her how lost I am. She says “You’re in a part who’s somewhere else, a part feeling really confused, disoriented. Tell her you received her message, as if a friend came in describing her experience.” I say “I hear you, can you tell me more?” but find that she’s non-verbal. I say “Would you like a hug?” She comes running, and I gather her up. I call all the homeless ones, I’m feeling all of them. Erica says “You’re being present, your voice is lower.”
Many of the parts are non-verbal. Maybe that’s why I’ve had trouble talking lately.
I ask if I have lots of parts. She says possibly as many as 25, but the most important thing is creating a quality of relationality. To do that I have to separate from the part, and that’s what’s hard. I’m so ready to welcome the part once I’m separated. Erica says “The only way they can communicate with us is to blend. Blending is actually a golden opportunity. We don’t know who needs help inside until we are triggered. Every time you do a repair it goes deeper and deeper.”
She tells me “Your system is so open, the moment you unblend, the exile runs into your arms. That is not typical.”
I read her what inner teacher said just that morning, because our session showed me the truth of that. I feel so much better. And maybe I don’t need to talk.
Dear Inner Teacher, I’m having a very hard time. Discouraged, lonely, don’t know who I am any more. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, what is happening is part of your spiritual path. All you have to do is keep going, keep searching for what is true. You feel alone because you are blended with an early part who was left alone way too much. In fact you are not alone, there are many spirits around you, watching over you. Your difficulty feeling their presence is because of the many younger parts who were left alone. Your job right now is to accept the feelings of being alone, inarticulate, and asked to do things beyond your capacity. Accept them, hold them, comfort them. That is all you need to do.
Thank You.