From my journal for October 18
Feeling weird. Woke up feeling weird. Not sure I can describe it. I don’t think I have a fever, I found my thermometer, but will have to wait, because I already had a drink. At the thought that I might die I feel relief.
A good session with Erica yesterday. She said of me “the deepest truth is I gave my life energy to sacred meaning.” Yes, I think that’s really true.
Thinking about “giving my life energy to sacred meaning.” Teaching folk dance/sacred dance, teaching astronomy — we live in this astonishing universe. My search for truth and beauty, and trying to create them. Building Neskaya. Certainly my presentation of “Sacred Sites.” I look at my angels on the wall, and the Ben Shahn. I think of the Dancer and Red Woman paintings. I never was interested in money or status. All I ever wanted to do was share the things I love with people who wanted them.
“I’ve given my life energy to sacred meaning.” I keep going back to look for it. I think I’ve got the words now. I would never have been able to say it that way, but it feels exactly right as a description of what I have done with my life.
Walking Mocha, thinking about dying, I feel so happy. It must be because Erica named what I have done with my life. I feel complete. I feel finished. Now my prayer is “Thy will be done.” and “Thank You.”