From my journal for November 30, 1995
Eleanor said yesterday that she could feel me “holding the space” at Hart’s and she thanked me for the amount of energy I was pouring out in her direction. It surprised me, because I was not consciously aware of any such thing. But I remember how the people at Upcountry Arts said the meetings were really different when I was there, and also how body workers would comment on my ability to move energy that I couldn’t feel. What I see is that it happens automatically in the case of Eleanor. Since I’m not aware of doing it, I don’t know that I am doing it, and can get easily drained. Also, because it’s not a conscious action, I don’t know how to stop doing it. I know that I have felt badly lately because I haven’t been able to “be there” for Eleanor (and that reminds me of Alice saying she tried to “be there” for a friend the way I was for her and couldn’t do it) because I’ve been focussed on my depression. Maybe depression functions to shut me down when I’ve given away too much of myself.
Hart is a Naturopath Practitioner, and I took Eleanor there, probably also paid for it.
And so now I wonder, since I do this thing so automatically without realizing it, and without “doing anything,” holding the space for Eleanor and Beverly, listening to Alice and Lucy (who says she feels much better after spending time with me) and making circle dance work — Since these things seem to be a result of my presence, without any conscious effort on my part (though it is an effort at some level, I know by how drained I become) perhaps this is “who I really am” — if those words have any meaning. I can see that if this is the result of me just being myself and not trying to do anything special, then that’s how, “just as I am,” I could be a gift to the universe.
Just as I am, I am a gift to the universe, the quality of attention, of presence, is the gift, not anything I do. How amazing! Perhaps the depression is grinding away the ego so that the Presence of God can come through. Could I be present in this way for myself? Because this is where/ how — the only place — I can find God.
For reasons I don’t understand I’m feeling a lot of terror.
It’s amazing that I couldn’t see that of course I would feel terror after announcing that I was a good person, doing good in the world. Talk about “thinking I’m so great.”
From my journal for the present, Sunday, October 8, 2023
Dear Inner Teacher, I desperately need some help. I spend all my energy taking care of myself and what’s the point? There’s nothing I do that’s worth staying alive for.
Inner Teacher: I remind you of people telling you you hold them in your energy field. This is something you do without being aware that you are doing it. The only time you’ve been aware of it is when you say “May my presence be a blessing” and feel the energy flow through you. You’ve been channelling this divine energy all your life. Remember when you sent your energy into your foot — you didn’t feel anything, but the body worker did. This is the source of the glow that people see. It’s attractive to some people and scary to others. It was scary to your mother which is why she said “Don’t think you’re so great.” You are doing good work for the world you love, that’s reason enough to do the hard work to keep yourself functioning.
I find this so hard to believe. Inner Teacher keeps saying these kinds of things, and I have great respect for him, but believing that I might be a good person, doing good for the world? Then there’s the embarrassment of posting this piece saying that I do good without knowing it. But that’s “thinking I’m so great.” What a tangle.
On further thought, I see that “I” am not doing anything but opening myself to be a channel for divine energy. It’s not “me” that I think is great, it’s the energy. Sometimes I’m amazed that the energy is willing to come through such a miserable failure as myself. Then I wonder if feeling like a miserable failure is what hollows me out to be a channel. Well, it doesn’t matter. I can feel the energy when I say “May my presence be a blessing,” and I’m grateful for that much certainty.