Reclaiming my Creativity

On Tuesday, August 22, I had an extraordinary session with Erica. I told her I was having trouble doing adult type things, especially if they involved dealing with bureaucracy, and at first I was scared that I was getting senile. Then I thought maybe I was blended with a young part. She helped me get in touch with the part. It turned out to be a pre-verbal baby. Reminded me of the one I rescued from a crack in a rock.  Erica said “Ask if there’s something she’d like to reclaim about herself?” All I could get was a felt sense which I translated as “something about not being forgiven for being creative,” and something about “making a mess.” (An unforgivable sin in the house where I grew up.) I told her making a mess is a feature of being creative. I can feel in my body her excitement, relaxation, and curiosity. It’s actually OK to be creative! It’s so interesting that this all happened after I read, typed up, and posted the piece from September 1995 about feeling a hostile force stopping my creativity. Of course that woke up the part who then wanted to be heard and healed.

Went back to find the passage about the time I was working with Debbie Alicen and she said I was creative:

From my journal for January 6, 1989

I said I realized that I had this image of myself as shabby and cowardly that grows out of or belongs to my relationship with Mom & I realized it’s just not true.  I’m not shabby, I’m courageous in refusing to go along with what she wants, hanging up when she’s drunk, etc.  I’m not cowardly, I’m sensible in not trying to confront her about her drinking.  So Debbie said “now we know what you’re not, tell me what you are.”  I said “Honest… intelligent… hardworking…”  As I was groping she looked at me quizzically and said “You’re leaving something important out.”  I had no idea.  She said “It should be first.  You’re CREATIVE.”  I said “What evidence do you have?”  She said “You wrote a book!  Your journals, your drawings… “  I cried.  I said “creative” means making trouble, making messes, they said “Don’t think you’re so great” they stomped on me when I tried to express myself.  I said I feel like I’m doing about 1% of what I could do

Yes, about 1%. But I did do some really creative things. Imagine what I might have done with support and encouragement.

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