I have been given two descriptions of patterns of my behavior that don’t work in my life. The first came from Structural Consulting, developed by Robert Fritz. I go after what I want, have an initial success, look for support and approval, don’t see it, try to fix myself, and don’t get what I want. The second was given to me by a brilliant therapist. I start a process, succeed on the first couple of steps, on the next step something goes wrong, and I conclude I can’t do it. I did an earlier post on them. I don’t remember who first said “you redefine success as a failure,” but I did see a possible source in my mother saying “Don’t think you’re so great” — that is, don’t talk about your successes — and my father saying “If you didn’t know how to do it, why did you even try?” — if you can’t do it, give up.
Dr. Hollis asked the question “What wants to find expression through you?” which was very powerful for me. So I got his book called “What Matters Most.” In my work with his ideas, I started looking for what things I had done because I was directed by my soul, not by someone else’s ideas of who I should be. One of the more fascinating things was seeing that often something “went wrong” and forced me to do something different. At the time, I saw it as defeat, but looking back, it was often that my soul said something like “This isn’t working. Let’s try something else.”
There were also things like creating Neskaya. I often say it’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever done — because my whole self was involved. I acknowledge other times when my soul was acting through me. Journey Into Courage — I don’t say here that my friend Beverly and I were talking about putting together some street theater to protest domestic abuse, but we weren’t getting to it, and finally I said “God, if you want this to happen, you have to get someone else to do it.” I don’t remember how long after that that a friend told me someone was offering a drama class for survivors of domestic violence. I went, and it turned into Journey.
I’ve also seen that teaching Sacred Circle Dance and Astronomy are activities where my soul leads. I get to share something I love with people who are eager to learn and my ego doesn’t get in the way at all. I have no need to prove that I’m a good teacher, or that I’m really intelligent. I just want to share something I love with people who want to know about it.