I stopped writing to my “Guides and Guardian Spirits” to ask for help, because at one point they suggested making a loan to someone who wasn’t really trustworthy. This is something I’m very vulnerable to because of my childhood training that I had to sacrifice my own needs for someone younger and needy. I saw that my “Guides” had been hijacked by that old training, and stopped writing to them. At some point, maybe it was after my experience of the “Goodness Beyond Goodness,” I started asking my “Inner Teacher” for help. My first recorded session with the Inner Teacher was in April 2021. Since then I’ve been asking for help regularly. Here are all the recent ones.
From my journal: Thursday, July 29
Dear Inner Teacher, I am feeling so confused. I am desperately needing to be forgiven, or needing to forgive myself. I feel/see myself pushing God away, and God looking at me kindly. I don’t know what to do with this.
Dear Jenny, many spirits are gathered around you and we all love you You have stopped trying so hard to “be good” to please those old childhood gods, and part of you is very scared that you have “lost control.” You are learning to allow your life to live you, but this is so opposite to everything you learned growing up that it feels like you are wrong. This is what you want to be forgiven for, breaking the oldest rules in your life. And also why you are puzzled and confused about it, because deep inside you know that this is the right way to live. Courage, Dear One. This is the most courageous thing you have done in your life. Yes, you will make mistakes, but mistakes don’t matter. You are learning how to improvise with this process. You are doing very well to notice how the Universe is supporting you.
PS Desmond Tutu’s way of listening to God rests on a foundation of years of faith and practice. Yours may not be the same, and that’s OK.
Thursday, August 5
Dear Inner Teacher, please help me with this suggestion to “relentlessly trust.”
Dear Jenny, it is very hard for you to trust the Greater Presence because of your experience of your parents being untrustworthy. Because of the trauma it is easier to stay stuck in that place. Choosing to trust is a very good way to keep “relentlessly trusting” even when you can’t feel a trustworthy presence. Recently things were so bad that you weren’t even able to “choose to trust.” You have managed to pull yourself back from that to where you are choosing to trust once again. Right now, you are not feeling terrified so you don’t have that false urgency, but you are also not grounded in your true self. You did have an experience of that recently so you know it’s possible. Keep choosing to trust that the Great Mystery is unconditionally loving, that you are in a healing process, that the Universe bends toward consciousness and compassion. What about teaching a course in your understanding of the universe? That might be the best contribution you could make at this time. I remind you that you have relentlessly chosen not to give in to depression and fear, but working with them, and continuing to search for the truth. Well done, dear Jenny.
Note: the suggestion to “relentlessly trust” came from someone connected with Friends Yearly Meeting of Quakers.
Saturday, August 21
Dear Inner Teacher, I am very confused about which way my life is going. Enough Buspar to stop the terror has made me lethargic and unable to use my mind for more than the simplest thoughts. Please help me!
Dear Jenny, Spirits are with you, holding you in compassion. You are in a neutral place to give yourself a rest. You have been doing good work for the planet but you have exhausted yourself. Because of the pandemic, you no longer have the “support of the ordinary.” Once again you are beyond the end of your resources. It is OK to rest. There are many others working hard to save Planet Earth. You are helping them by refusing to give in to negative, despairing thoughts. The fact that you are having trouble creating positive ideas and visions does not matter at all. Your job right now is to relax and take care of yourself. Doing puzzles and reading Crombie mysteries is a fine use of your time.
Tuesday, September 28
3rd cup. coffee. I asked Inner Teacher what to do about the sadness — which I’m feeling again today. Heard: Stay with it – Bring compassion to it. I could feel my heart soften.
Saturday, October 9
Dear Inner Teacher, what is going on with me?
Dear Jenny, you are moving on in your process. You accepted the loss of your “good” feelings with equanimity. You were able to recognize that even in this unfamiliar, shallow, practical experience, you are still connected with your deep self. Well done.
Thursday, October 21
Inner Teacher, what do I need to pay attention to?
What’s happening in each moment. Messages from the Universe are coming all the time. Stay open. Yes this process is uncomfortable because you can’t figure it out ahead of time. The talking piece is coming your way but it hasn’t got to you yet. Your job now is to listen with the ears of the heart. Don’t worry if you miss something, it it’s meant for you it will come around again.
I offer myself to this process.