One of my constant struggles is to find compassion for myself. Most of the time I’m angry at myself and hating myself for being such a failure. I’ve treated myself worse than any other human being.
From my journal for August 9, 2021
Trying to remember what else I did yesterday. Several puzzles, lay down on the couch, don’t think I slept, lunch with Carolyn and the Racusins. I feel a chill in my heart. Asking it, what I get is that I’m wasting my time, I should be working on healing. Doesn’t doing puzzles with enjoyment count for anything? What about lunch with folks, even though the conversation wasn’t anything special?
I think “What should I be doing with my time? Maybe talk to God?” sending my attention upward, and then remembering that of god in me. I think “Inner Teacher” and check my heart. What I feel is amused affection. Dear Jenny. She works so hard, tries so hard to “get it right.” Anita Moorjani says loving yourself is the most important thing.
“That of God in me” is a Quaker teaching, something I’ve been working on for a long time. Anita Moorjani had a powerful near death experience, and has been teaching about her learnings.
I become aware of Jenny, sitting in this room. Plants inside and trees outside. The incredible diversity of nature. But there are also my painted wooden angels and the Ben Shahn — works of art made by humans — and my little dog next to me. More amazing things created by the Universe. The sun has moved on, out of my eye. What an amazing person to have gathered all these things in her journey, things that she loves, that gladden her heart. And it doesn’t matter at all that the room is a mess. Can I love Jenny, who has managed to create this beauty and meaning even while struggling with the pain and difficulty of her life? Yes I can.
Walking Mocha I began to feel really scared. Trying to reassure the Little Ones, I realized that part of the problem is that I, Adult Jenny, is having trouble trusting that I am loved, that it doesn’t matter if I don’t get things right, that there is a bigger Universe that holds this small one in compassion. I look at that terrified Jenny, walking her dog as best she can, and I feel a lot of compassion for her.
Back from seeing Lisa Blackburn. Feeling terrified. I told my Little Ones that Lisa is entirely trustworthy and so is the Universe. I choose to trust that the Universe is also an unconditionally loving presence. I choose to trust that grace is available to me whether or not I “do things right.” I choose to trust that the wider, more inclusive, participatory, sacred cosmos is real, and holds our materialistic world view in a larger context.
Lisa Blackburn is an excellent physical therapist whose office is nearby.
I look around my room and am aware of how happy I am to be surrounded by these beloved objects, and how much I enjoy the color of the walls, and all that went into getting them that color, and I see how all of it is gift.