from journal for Monday, August 2
Yesterday was pretty miserable.
I realize that in some ways the misery of the day matched the metaphor of being trapped in stone. Trapped in a narrow point of view. Unable to imagine anything bigger. I started reciting the words “wider, more inclusive, participatory, sacred.” At first they didn’t mean anything, then gradually I began to sense that such a world was possible, tho not to move into it.
Second cup of tea. Watered plants. Haven’t felt really scared this morning. — an immediate chill in my heart — there, there, Scared One. Can you communicate anything about yourself? I was made wrong so many times & I never understood why something was OK one day and not OK the next. Dear One, it had nothing to do with you. Your Mother was incapable of being pleased. Remember when you picked up lotion for her at the drugstore. Did she thank you? No, in a nasty voice she said “They weren’t going to deliver it, were they.” I, the older one, saw through that one and wasn’t hurt, but you were hurt that way too many times, you were completely dependent on your Mom. You were too young to be on your own, so you couldn’t afford to see that she was inconsistent. Also, because of the early trauma, you were more vulnerable to threats of being left alone, “sent back to Sears & Roebucks.” I am the person you grew into, and I still struggle with trying to get it right, even though I stopped trying to please Mom a long time ago. I also stopped trying to have a real relationship with her, and she took credit for what she saw as an improvement. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Dear One, there is a Jenny of the future, an older one who has learned how to live as her true self. We were in her all day Saturday which was a good day. We can get back there again, but not by trying to “get it right.”
A chill of fear. Scared One says “I don’t know how to stop trying to get it right!” O Dear One — I put my arms around her — you don’t have to get it right to be loved. It doesn’t matter what you do, you are already forgiven. I feel such compassion for her, trying so hard to get it right. And there are all those people who were at Neskaya yesterday, and they love you, just as you are. It’s OK to relax and stop trying. or not. If you keep trying that’s not the end of the world. I realize that I’m asking you to trust me, as I trust Higher Self, and I know that your experience is that there’s no older and wiser being who is trustworthy. That’s just really hard. But even if you can’t do it, I still love you, and I will stay with you no matter what.
Remembering the trip with Ricky and what a disappointment it was, and how the Universe kept sending new people when people I could talk to left the trip, and I failed to see it until long afterward. O Dear Jenny, you were up against so much. Severe depression, early trauma, gaslighting. It’s so amazing that you survived and got this far. A tribute to your courage, your intelligence, and your persistence.
Help arrives via email, friends responding to requests for visits, Rohr’s daily meditation on Job. I think I’m being asked to get in touch with my grief.
3rd cup. water. Walking Mocha I was aware that the fear was frozen fear. My legs were weak as in those dreams of trying to run from bombs.
Teeth chattering. They stop chattering when I write. Feeling compassion and love for the Scared One. Also understanding that it may take her awhile to be able to trust any Older Jenny. At least I am able to “offer myself to the process” again, with trust.