I’ve been reading my journal from 1993 and found many entries that resonate with this moment in my life. Alas, at this moment I am having a very hard time. I think due to social distancing, I’ve been triggered back into feeling very much alone and totally worthless. And being angry at myself for having a hard time. sigh. Right now I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere in 30 years of struggle to heal from the first things that happened to me. In 1993 I was dealing with chronic illness, systemic yeast, trying to keep to a very strict diet, etc. Around this time I say in my journal that I feel OK about one day in every ten.
from journal for February 14, 1993
Guidance, please give me some help?
Patience, patience, patience. You are doing much better at not being angry at yourself for being sick, keep doing it. Gentleness, patience, curiosity. Not curiosity about the illness, that just leads you back into “trying to fix it.” Try being curious about the way you respond to illness. You are beginning to see how much anger you have toward yourself, your body, your illness. You need to treat all three as you would a dear friend, a precious child. You are learning how to do this, and I congratulate you. Learning how to love your life, in its dailiness, in its difficulty, is what is important for you, not “achievement” as the world counts achievement. This work in your journal is important because it supports you, not because of its value to the outside world. Though why should you think of its value as any less than some other job that people do: selling clothing, say, or building automobiles? What makes you imagine that that kind of work is more important to the whole than what you do? And isn’t that the value judgement you are making when you see yourself as worthless because you don’t have a “paying job”? Keeping this journal is a paying job, you pay for it with your life, your pain, your attention to detail, your work on yourself. Rejoice and celebrate, my dear, you’re doing just fine.