Last week I had a “turnaround.” I finally got it that most of the misery and grief I feel is that of others who are suffering. I’ve made this mistake most of my life, not realizing that I’m an empath, and that a lot of the suffering I feel is actually that of others. I, myself, am fine. Here are some journal entries that show the steps along the way. One thing I decided is that I didn’t really need to pay attention to the “news,” because ignoring it does not mean pretending bad things aren’t happening. It just means I don’t get sabotaged by despair.
Sunday, August 16
Profoundly discouraged. I feel overwhelmed with a downpour of trivia. The planet is burning and everyone is distracting themselves with the political circus.
I’ve been reading EarthDance and finding that my memory of some things I thought she said is incorrect. If I can’t trust my memory, what can I trust?
What can I trust? That I care about Truth and continue to seek Truth. That I am very demanding in what I accept as Truth, that I am always willing to let go of what I have accepted as truth if a more convincing one comes along. That I continually lose faith in Truth, and find it again. That I love the Earth, and do everything I can do to heal and preserve her. That I grieve the many many losses we humans have inflicted on the earth, and the huge undeserved sufferings of humans and animals.
I see that my recent discouragement is from paying too much attention to the news and politics and manipulation of the so-called “real” world. I thought that instead of going to a Meeting on Zoom, I would spend this time looking for “signs.”
Monday, August 17
Once I recognized that I was feeling overwhelmed with dry lifeless information, I turned to Deena’s book. About shamanic work, connections with animals, watching for signs from Spirit. Her stories are sometimes hopeful, sometimes distressing, but at least there’s a sense of reality. There’s no reality in the political circus.
I managed to get back to typing journal. I’d got way behind. There was the session with Erica where she tells me that being in collapse is not a character flaw. I have to remind myself of that when I get angry at myself for becoming apathetic, and being unable to do anything.
Tuesday, August 18
I’ve figured out what to say when asked “how are you?” “I’m fine, but I’m not happy about what going on politically or environmentally.
I decided that all my reading was not helping my spirits, so I got out the book written by Sue Monk Kidd and her daughter. Interesting to see a good relationship between Mother and Daughter. They are in an odd place where Sue is facing old age, and Ann is struggling with rejection by boyfriend and by graduate program she wanted to do, and she’s not talking about it. Not even to her mother who she knows is safe.
Wednesday, August 19
The choice I made, that I think turned things around, was reading the book by Sue Monk Kidd and her daughter. It’s called “Traveling with Pomegranates,” and it’s a pilgrimage to embody and understand the Demeter/Persephone myth. During this time period, Sue was writing The Secret Life of Bees, and some of the plot came from images that Sue was attracted to — collected from magazines — that makes me wonder about doing something similar. Looking for what does my heart want to do with what’s left of my life. I think about my relationship with Younger Jenny as being my Demeter/Persephone work.
I realized as I was walking down to Reception, outside, to mail my ballot and my taxes, that the new moon cycle had just started. Wondered if that was part of my improved mood.
The sections of the Pomegranate book were Loss, Search, Return.
Thursday, August 20
Song in my mind yesterday “Will you be peace or pride, can you at last decide, there’s no-one to fight, we are the same inside.So go home and get some rest…” “all about love, what if it comes to be all that we have left?” Christine Kane: “The Good You Do”
I notice that, if I have a song in my mind when I’m making breakfast, I crack the eggs just right, not too hard or too soft.
The thing about breaking the eggs shows a huge shift in my life from “figuring it out” — trying to get it right, and using my intuition. A lot of other little things have shown this same change just in the last week.