Typing up Wednesday, March 25 a month later, which is when I usually do it. It’s odd to go back a month and see how we were just starting to come to terms with the pandemic. To see the fragmentation of my day, the search for things that will help. Also how I move back and forth between fear and connection.
From my journal:
Woke up at 4:20 with headache. Accepted that I wouldn’t sleep again, and did lovingkindness for all beings. Then I began to feel scared. I had one moment of feeling horribly scared of death. I accepted the fear, added “friends are forged on a dark road, heading out of town…” to “may all beings be held in lovingkindness.” Feeling scared helped me feel connected with everyone even more. Then I realized the headache had faded. Possibly I even slept again.
“Friends are forged….” is from Stephen Jenkinson.
Spent a lot of the day on the internet, signing petitions. Deena Metzger wrote a beautiful thing about our destruction of the earth, and how it’s also destruction of ourselves.
I wonder what a cell experiences that’s in the body of a person who commits suicide?
I posted what Charles Eisenstein said about initiation. It’s fun that I’ve gotten a lot of responses from friends I haven’t heard from in a while. Victoria Cole! Judy Robison!
I think what made me finally feel scared was the sign at the top of the Waterfall Staircase. It just repeated what they said before: that there was someone from Mott 2 who had the symptoms of coronavirus, that they were in isolation. They haven’t said they have a diagnosis, though I suppose the tighter quarantine might be a sign. I met Bev as I was leaving the dining room, and she lit up. So glad to see me. She had worried because I’m on Mott 2.
Here at Kendal, the Waterfall Staircase connects the living areas with the community areas, in particular with the dining room and café. Mott 2 is the second floor of a section named for Lucretia Mott. There are only about 23 people in that area.
At that time we were still going down to pick up dinner. Now we stay in our rooms and dinner is brought to us. Now we have a guard at the entrance to turn back anyone who isn’t essential, and make sure any resident who leaves knows they will have to self-isolate for two weeks. So far we have had no definite case of COVID-19.
I spent a lot of time putting together a post about Energetic Connection.
Just read an email from Hunger Mtn Coop on what they are doing to protect employees and shoppers, and help those who need it. My heart softened, tears behind my eyes, and the fear is gone for the moment!
I picked up Sharon Salzberg’s Faith, which I’ve been reading. She’s writing about sitting on the porch with Ram Dass about a year after his stroke. “Having faith doesn’t mean that we don’t make an effort. … The particular gift of faith is that it allows us to make the intensity of effort guided by a more holistic vision of life, with all its mutability, evanescence, dislocations, and unruliness.” p90. I had told a friend about how trauma can be transmitted through our genes. Our genes are much more mutable than we realized, we started by thinking they were fixed, deterministic, and that mutations were “random.” We are surrounded by mystery, our lives are rooted in mystery. Salzberg says Ram Dass taught us about “a power of faith that doesn’t depend on clinging to the known, but instead on opening to the vastness and mystery of what life provides in each moment.” (p92)
“Whatever takes us to our edge, to our outer limits, leads us to the heart of life’s mystery, and there we find faith.” p92
“Life will never be served up with guarantees of safety and security.” p95