Sunday, July 21
3rd cup of tea: I am feeling terror and despair. I am feeling the feelings of all the challenged beings, children separated from their parents, people held in jail who can’t post bail, people wrongly defrauded of their right to vote, elephants, whales, bees, butterflies — a baby bird fluttering its wings on my feeder pole — sorrow and pain for the beautiful, diverse, complex, healthy life support system, created over aeons on our planet, that we humans are destroying in our greed — and fear possibly — people who can see no higher value than money. People who don’t care what kind of a world their children and grandchildren will inherit — maybe they think that money will protect their offspring from the consequences of global warming. Maybe the best thing to do is commit suicide by nuclear holocaust. Then the earth will have time to repair our ravages. Maybe there will be a few people left, a community who knows how to live sustainably. It we don’t crash fast, our slow crash may take too many species with it for the earth to regenerate.
[Added: The baby bird on my feeder pole is a message from the universe, that life goes on.]
Usually when I have felt despair and terror in the past, it’s been darkened by depression, and I thought it was all about me. Now I know that it’s not about me at all. Except insofar as I feel helpless to do anything. I just opened some containers of supplements — they are wrapped in one-use plastic which is clogging our oceans. I could give up the supplements, I don’t know that they are really doing any good. I’m tempted to stop eating, but I can’t do that to Mocha.
I’m reading The Secret Garden, hoping it will strengthen my soul. I read something — on Brainpickings — Stephen Hawking talking about “God” and how the universe started from nothing with a Big Bang. It’s laughable. He doesn’t see the amazing universe that I see, built on self-organization. He doesn’t get that what we call the “laws” of physics probably don’t hold true throughout time and space. That is an assumption, not something proven. He may be brilliant, but his universe is cold and meaningless. What gives it warmth and meaning is life, and life is Spirit moving through everything. Does that Spirit care about my welfare? What I feel is Spirit, wanting to get in, aware of my heart closed in terror, understanding it, loving me anyway, and waiting patiently until I can feel the Goodness Beyond Goodness again, and know that I am loved.