Badly Triggered

from my journal for 6/21

In the evening I watched a talk on Healing Trauma by Thomas Hübl.  He is Austrian, and a mystic and spiritual teacher.  He talked about collective trauma and what was needed to heal it — a healing community.  In some ways it was really an advertisement for an 8-week course.  I don’t think I’ll sign up for it now, but may the next time it’s offered.  He talks about both trauma and karma as undigested experience.  He also said spiritual practice was a way to work on it.  You must listen very deeply and then what needs to come up will come up.  It sounds like my 3rd cup of tea writing.  Possibly my difficulty “meditating” is because I have stuff pressing to come up.

The 8-week Course is offered by Humanity’s Team.

I had ordered wicker furniture and cushions so I can sit on my porch when the weather is right.  I had already gone through one day of waiting for a call from them so I could tell them how to get here in an 18-wheeler, and where to go to deliver the first shipment.  I waited all day and there was a message late in the afternoon that my shipment was not on the truck, they would try again.

I don’t know what to call the cumbersome struggle with details that seems to characterize all transactions not done in person, so I call it “bureaucracy.”  At one point I saw that I was so freaked out by the IRS because they resembled abusive parents.  I think all government bureaucracies function that way.  There are lots of rules, you have to get them just right, they are always changing.

3rd cup of tea.  Another battle with the bureaucracy.  First the shipment of cushions.  Had to call the partner delivery, they switched me to Enfield which is where it is, another big trek, I tell them loading dock, they need someone to sign.  I say call me 10 min ahead.  Then I try to order Biotics.  Can’t get Phenitropic, replacements are problematical.  I call Vreeland and get recording.  I forgot they are not there on Fri, leave detailed message.  Then call Sherry, leave message.  Forgot to tell her the phone just rings when it’s busy — I have to cancel call waiting — call back, she’s there, says it’s a short walk to Reception and they can sign.  I call back the folks in Londonderry, they transfer me to Enfield, I tell the guy they can go to Reception & someone will sign.

The shipment, which actually turned out to contain the sofa as well as the cushions, only the chair was on backorder, had been delivered to another agency, I guess because there wasn’t time to get here.

Dr. Vreeland is helping me with low thyroid function and other physical symptoms.

Biotics is a company that makes complex supplements to address symptoms.

Sherry is the person at Kendal who is in charge of Facilities, which includes shipment reception.

If someone calls when I am on the phone, they don’t hear a busy signal, just ringing which doesn’t lead to a place to record a message.  I never want to interrupt a call to answer another call.  I finally found someone to help me set up a mailbox.

Whew!  My head feels frantic, I’m triggered, can’t think, can’t settle, help!

I see a baby.  It’s crying, it’s frustrated, it doesn’t understand what it has to do, there’s no one to help, there’s a sense of urgency.  Got to get this right, no room for error, no time because Erica will call in about 4 minutes, I hope there’s enough battery on the phone.  Too many details.  Overwhelm. yes the meter is up in the red.  No comforting dog next to me.  I need another body to calm down, help!

I should meditate but I can’t calm down enough to meditate.

“I see a baby.”  Here’s the information, hidden deep in my psyche, about why this is so triggering.  What makes it hard is a baby’s experience is not verbal, so my attempt to translate it into words is tricky.  What the baby feels is an overwhelming sense of helplessness, and that it will result in unimaginable disaster.  The baby doesn’t even have an image of what that disaster might look like.  Now I understand that the fear is of being left alone, or being turned out on the street, when it can’t get food, can’t take care of itself, and it will die, except that it has no concept of what “death” means.

I am vulnerable to overwhelm because I am a Highly Sensitive Person, I perceive more details than 80% of the population.  Overwhelm is what causes trauma, so I am also vulnerable to overwhelm as a trigger.

“I need another body to calm down…”  If someone is triggered, the presence of a person whose nervous system is calm can help calm them down by resonance.  I don’t know if the opposite can happen, but it seems likely that a person in a hyper-aroused state could arouse other people.  Maybe it depends on whether the others are dealing with some sort of trauma as well.

Note from today, July 21: I read this post through, as I usually do before publishing, and it hardly makes any sense to me.  I am currently in a state of terror, and I did a third cup of tea writing about it.

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