Endure without Relief

Grey again and another dusting of snow.  It feels like it has been like this for weeks.

Woke up feeling very lonely.  Tried without success to feel love for people I know I love.  So instead of avoiding I have to just sit with it.  There must be a lot of people out there — elderly ladies living alone — who feel like this.  And babies left alone too long.

I’ve read three Hillerman novels in two days.  At one point yesterday I had a horrible moment of falling into a very bleak world view.  I managed to pull back out of it, but I saw that I was “wallowing.”  So I decided I’d better shape up.  Those are the words that came but really they sound like conforming to someone else’s judgement.  I wasn’t “wallowing,” I was too tired to make an effort, and angry at myself.  What I want to do is take charge of my life again.  Today I want to wash my hair, wash the dishes and change my bed.  Taking care of myself is one of those things that becomes impossible when I am triggered.  Even if I keep feeling painfully lonely, I can still do those things.  Actually, I think this is the first morning in about a week that I haven’t woken up exhausted.

I’ve been thinking about Erica’s words “endure without relief.”  That’s the center of the attachment wound.  I think I’ve felt that most of my life.  That’s what fueled my constant, desperate search for a boyfriend.  Now I’ll just sit with it.  I will endure without relief.  Interestingly, as soon as I say that, I see that relief is possible.  Today, even, if I manage to get to St. Johnsbury for Circle Dancing.

Second cup of tea.  While it was brewing I moved some things on the landing and found a card with a baby seal on it.  I was just going to throw it away, but thought I’d check to see if there was any writing in it.  It’s a beautiful note from Judy Felsen.  No date.  I read it through and something in my heart resonated.  I’ll copy it so I won’t lose it.

Dearest Jen,

You have done for all of us, what environmentalists and animal welfare groups are doing for this seal pup.  You, Jen, have been, and are, saving the world/humanity (sometimes from itself).

I love you, as we all do, and daily I am thankful and offer gratitude for the gift of you to us.

May the light you have shown us shine within and reflect to you your love, wisdom, care, empathy, generosity, and compassion.

From my heart with all my love to you

Your dance daughter, Judy

Someone said that synchronicities are “postcards from God.”  Thank You!

I have the feeling, as I have before, that the person she describes is real.  She’s not me, but she is my task to embody.  I see the face of Baby Jenny, looking up with such eagerness to engage, she is who I’m bringing through and she is who Judy sees.

Went back to check “endure without relief” against the attachment patterns.  I fit under “ambivalently attached.”  This child “experiences the parent’s communication as inconsistent and at times intrusive.”   Dan Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out, p105

I read Karen the note from Judy.  Asked if it sounded like me.  She said absolutely.  I said I was beginning to get that it might be true.  She said what would you do if it were true.  I said I would relax, I would stop trying so hard, I would know that just by being myself I make good things happen in the world.


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