Someone told me recently that she thought I should forgive my mom.  I’ve been thinking about that.  I’ve forgiven her many times and then later found that some tight cramp in my psyche was still there.  Recently I’ve been thinking of her with compassion.  She didn’t know she was damaging me.  Although I’ve heard of research which proves that someone know when they’re lying, deep down inside.  This may have been one of the sources of my mother’s drinking.  When I think of the pain that she was in denial of, and how much she had to drink to keep the truth from surfacing, I feel enormous compassion for her.  Is that the same as forgiveness?  I guess I have got to the place where I don’t think of PTSD as something to blame mom for, instead I see it as an entirely separate thing which is part of my shamanic training.  I wish that I had got farther with that training, that I had been able to do something bigger for the earth and all her people.  Instead I’m spending my time, energy, and passion in my quest for healing.  Sometimes I can see that even that healing work is not something entirely selfish, but actually DOES help that earth in a shamanic way.  Right now I can’t see anything to forgive mom for.  I guess that is true forgiveness.

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