Struggle with Choices

I felt better this morning once I got out of bed.  Lying in bed after I woke up was miserable.  I’m thinking that if God comes to us disguised as our life — for a moment I saw my miserable unhappy life, and felt compassion for it.  Earlier this morning I was thinking that my task is to learn to love each moment, no matter how good or awful it is.

I look out at the flower basket pulled to the ground and think I’ve got to go out and fix that, and then I feel cold in my stomach.  I’m scared to go outside.  So — do I push myself to go out and fix it, or do I be gentle and kind to myself?  If the flower basket is more important than I am, then I have to push myself.  That’s how I was brought up, to believe that material objects were more important than my health and welfare.  But if I think of myself as being more important than the flower basket — that feels very wrong.  How dare I think I’m more important.  I look at the basket and think that it’s fine where it is.  It’s not resting on the ground, it’s not tipped over or anything.  How it is is fine with the plant.  I want to “fix it” so I can look at it without guilt, I also want to move it so I can see it better.

Went over to Neskaya and got the praying mantis egg case.  I keep forgetting it and have been worrying about little mantises all over Neskaya.  I brought it home and tied it to the branch of a maple tree that is just outside the door.  Then, since I was out there, I straightened the pole and hung the flower basket.  Then I started dead-heading the flowers, and suddenly I was having trouble breathing.  So I stopped and came in.

What would Jesus do?  Jesus reassures me that whether I do it or don’t do it, God still loves me.  Whether I take care of myself or don’t take care of myself, God still loves me.  But surely God wants me to be healthy and happy?  But God also wants me to take care of myself because I want to, not because I think I “should.”  I can feel god’s love surrounding me, tho it’s very subtle.  I’m savoring it.  I can see that there are some dark places inside that are resisting god.  I feel compassion for them.  O yes, the dark parts of me — I love them all.

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