Struggle with Depression

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me.
I am a good person and I want what’s best for everyone.
I intend to do the will of god
I intend to be who god designed me to be
I intend to live in the present
I intend to bring compassion to every moment
I am loved and cherished, deeply and totally
There is nothing to fear
There is nothing I can do wrong
There is nothing that can separate me from the love of god.
I offer myself to this process.

Yesterday was pretty bad.  I recited the prayers as something to hang on to. This is such a cold, empty place that I’m in.  It’s a lot like that first winter in Portland, Maine.  I recite my prayer, but the words feel empty and meaningless.  It’s below zero again.  The fuel truck has been filling my tank.

Totally, utterly discouraged.  Feeling like I’ve wasted so much of my life — god wraps its arms around me and says “Welcome!  Whatever you have done or not done, Welcome!”  I become aware that god is not angry about the waste, god feels compassion for my struggle.  I prayed for help — this could be the answer.  I’m trying to stay with God’s compassion for me.  God wants me to have a life like the “days of grace,” God wants me to be happy and fulfilled, using my gifts in service to the community.  God is not angry at me that I’m not there, god has enormous compassion for my struggle.  God tells me that my struggle to heal is how I do god’s work in the world.  It is not meaningless.  Thank you, god, please stay with me.   Of course!  I am always with you.

—the fox is back!  OMG it looks like there are two foxes, one larger than the other!—

[When animals appear just as I’m thinking or writing something, I consider it a message from the shamanic realm.]

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