(There were no more “days of grace” after this journal entry.)
The word “bleak” occurred to me this morning. The first time in a month. But I don’t think I’m bleak so much as sad and disappointed. The weekend was tough. Church did not cheer me up because Barry and Victoria were both gone.
— Just saw the cardinals! —
I was thinking about writing down my intentions when they appeared.
(2/12) I intend to shift to positive thinking before I even get started down a negative path. I intend to bring compassion to whatever is there in the moment. I intend to stay in the present.
(2/21) I intend to live in the moment, to be fully present to each moment. I intend to do the will of god. I intend to be very very kind to myself.
Lynelle said because Linda, Pat, Barbara, Eve, Barry are all away, I’m having a hard time. This is big, having so many support people away. That helped me be more compassionate toward myself.
Yesterday, feeling totally powerless, I reminded myself: I don’t create or choose depression, and I can’t make it go away. All I can do is keep doing practices: staying in the moment, bringing compassion, etc.
As I ask God to remove the depression and redirect me to what He would have me do and be — I wonder if depression is part of what god wants me to be? Surely not, surely god wants me to thrive. The first “day of grace,” I felt that I was finally who I really am. The depression is just an obstacle, or a teaching challenge. In order to be who I really am, I have to persist in the practices that get me there.