Sad and Disappointed

(There were no more “days of grace” after this journal entry.)

The word “bleak” occurred to me this morning.  The first time in a month.  But I don’t think I’m bleak so much as sad and disappointed.  The weekend was tough.  Church did not cheer me up because Barry and Victoria were both gone.

— Just saw the cardinals! —

I was thinking about writing down my intentions when they appeared.

(2/12)  I intend to shift to positive thinking before I even get started down a negative path.   I intend to bring compassion to whatever is there in the moment.  I intend to stay in the present.

(2/21)  I intend to live in the moment, to be fully present to each moment.  I intend to do the will of god.  I intend to be very very kind to myself.

Lynelle said because Linda, Pat, Barbara, Eve, Barry are all away, I’m having a hard time.  This is big, having so many support people away.  That helped me be more compassionate toward myself.

Yesterday, feeling totally powerless, I reminded myself: I don’t create or choose depression, and I can’t make it go away.  All I can do is keep doing practices: staying in the moment, bringing compassion, etc.

As I ask God to remove the depression and redirect me to what He would have me do and be — I wonder if depression is part of what god wants me to be?  Surely not, surely god wants me to thrive.  The first “day of grace,” I felt that I was finally who I really am.  The depression is just an obstacle, or a teaching challenge.  In order to be who I really am, I have to persist in the practices that get me there.

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