Somatic Experiencing

(Written in February 2010)
The session with Caryn was hard work.  I went to the corner and asked for a blanket and curled up, also holding the cushion in front of me.  I started crying and saying how I was a failure, and not capable of doing life, and how I was ashamed.  I cried and cried.  Finally she asked me to slow the crying down and see what I could notice.  There was my butt, and the window, and the trees beyond the deck.  Maybe I focussed on one tree — a birch — which turned out to be two.  There would be waves of misery, and return to the resource.  Finally I stopped crying and sat up, feeling empty in my torso, like everything had drained out.  Caryn asked me to find a less judgemental word, so I said “diffuse” and then drained and washed out.  She suggested I sit with that feeling of washed out, and see what happened.  I could feel my butt like a strong lid, made of thick leather perhaps, and closing off the bottom of my torso so no more could drain out.  The next thing I noticed was my abdomen seemed to be filling up, feeling more solid.  Then there was a little bit of fear, like a lump, in the area of my stomach.  As I stayed with it, it spread out, perhaps like a dark cap on the energy in the abdomen. We discussed the process: letting me express myself, but not letting it go on too long, asking me to slow it down and find a resource.  She told me that her neighbor, Liz, took the training when she did.  She’s in Cloverly House, and I could see her when Caryn’s away.  I felt a surge of hope.  I told her about that experience with Kevin when I became a planet.  Talked about how the scientist is sometimes a resource — alert for data that can contradict my beliefs & fears.  I told her about a friend saying that I could laugh, even tho depressed — she doesn’t remember me being able to do that, and also that I was better able to receive positive feedback.  That helped a lot.  I may be feeling horrible, but I’m not in the place I was, I have healed.  We also worked on my fear about “empty Saturday” — no one set up to come.  I can write it now and feel OK instead of scared.  (Good for me!)