From feeling great I fell into depression again. At least this time I don’t feel like I’ve fallen back into old ways. It’s clear that this is a new layer of old stuff. It reminds me of my “Tray of Cups” theory of depression. It goes like this. You know those big rolling carts they have in cafeterias, that hold numerous trays of cups stacked inside? When you want a cup of coffee or tea, you go pick a cup off the tray. If it’s the last cup, and you think that’s the end, with that weight taken off, a whole new tray of cups rises into view. I used to think that in psychological healing you would make some gains, and be feeling pretty good, in fact just well enough to face the next layer of sh-t which is waiting down there. And comes right up to confront you.
I also had a “ferris wheel” theory. When I start to go down I resist it at first. It turns out that the worst time is this period of resistance. Finally I’d give in, accept that I was depressed, fall forward into it, and the momentum would carry me through the bottom spot and then I’d be on the upswing of the cycle. This worked for me when I was just dealing with situational depression. Sometimes it still works brilliantly, sometimes it doesn’t and I realize that I’m just “accepting” depression to make it go away, and that’s not really accepting. That’s the trickiest thing about this whole business.
I’m in this place now where I’m feeling pretty profound despair. I’m doing my best to hold it gently and with compassion. But I’m still angry at myself for not “doing better.” What do you mean you’re not going to go a little bit out of the way to get eggs at the farmstand? How hard can that be? Well it was too hard today, coming back from the vet’s and worrying about my little dog. I have to forgive myself for not being able to do a lot of things I wouldn’t have any trouble with if I had more energy and confidence.