I haven’t posted anything for a while. I was sick, and then happy and busy, and then depressed again. It took me awhile to figure out what had triggered the depression, then it occurred to me that it was “fear of success.”
Yesterday, driving back from the Co-op, it felt like a hostile world again. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I remember when it changed, a few years ago, I was so surprised to feel friendliness in the landscape, and realized that my whole life had been lived in a hostile universe. It went back & forth a few times, and then it settled in and I started taking it for granted. I think I must be dealing with a layer of trauma that’s just been uncovered or released for the first time. It looks like it’s going to take a long time to heal, it’s big and old and deep in my psyche. Astonishingly, I feel quite capable of doing the work. It will require patience and persistence, but I’ve been building those skills. Hard to believe, but I’m facing the pain in my heart and the hostile landscape with confidence. I’ve done this before and I can do it again.
Only a few hours after writing this, I felt really hopeless, what was the point in going on. And then some part of me said with fierceness, “Don’t let this keep you down.”
It was good to be with so many people during the day. My fear diminished to a bare whisper. I keep trying to find words for it. I see the beautiful day and it’s painful, as though I lacked a layer of skin so everything that touches me is painful. I can see the beauty of the day, but I experience it as pain. This morning writing about how hard it is to get it that people love me, I wonder if it’s a feeling that it’s not OK to be here. That’s back to proving that I have a right to exist. I feel like I have no right to exist and no right to enjoy the beauty. If I could experience people loving me would that change? Yes, it’s really like the whole landscape is hostile to me. I remember that time, years ago now, that I felt the landscape welcome me and it was noticably different from what I was used to feeling. I wondered at the time if that was how someone would feel who had been loved from birth.