Profoundly Lonely

I am feeling profoundly lonely.  I know I need to see at least one person who cares about me every day.  Due to a life-long struggle with depression, I didn’t have a chance to make a lot of friends.  My two long-term friends have only stayed friends because they also know what it is to struggle with emotional dysfunction.  I have some friends who have hurt me badly in the past due to not understanding about PTSD, and though I can still be friendly with them, I don’t fully trust them, so I can’t be completely real with them.  I have a lot of friends who are acquaintances, but many of them I don’t know well enough to know if I’m safe sharing the realities of my life.  I also don’t have a lot of chances to meet people.  My social life revolves around people who come to Neskaya.  People who come to dancing may live far enough away that getting to them for a visit is problematic.  This is another difficulty of living in the country.  It’s also true that when I go to public events, like gallery openings, if I’m already depressed, I just feel worse in a group of people who appear to be having a good time.  If I’m not depressed I enjoy them.  But that means they can’t be a resource in times of depression.
This last week, I’ve been sick, and had to cancel an appointment and a lunch date.  Being sick means I can’t do a lot of things, and that leaves me vulnerable to depression.  Sometimes I don’t know if I’m sick because I’m depressed, or depressed because I’m sick.  Unfortunately, depression tend to reinforce itself.
Being able to enjoy things, as I found out when I was first on medication, is a function of normal brain chemistry.  It’s only recently that I’ve begun to be able to enjoy most of my day, no matter what I’m doing.  So that makes this recent descent into depression more painful.
I’ve been trying to think of what I could do to have more human contact in my life.  One is to find ways to participate in a local church.  I like the minister, I really liked what he had to say when I went to services at Christmas and Easter.  A friend of mine is in the choir.  She has suggested I join, and that’s not a bad idea.  There is also a discussion group on two Wednesdays in December.  And the food pantry which I might be able to help with — it would only work for me if I was a part of a group, not doing something all by myself.

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