(Written in October 2003)
Took Bella up Rte 3. I carried my painfully tight grieving heart and paid attention to my feet on the path and the colored leaves. Sat by Skoogumchuk Brook for a little bit. Was able to take in a little of the beauty of yellow leaves against the sky.
My intention: I offer myself to the process of grief, to allow it to transform me in its way. I wish I knew better what to do next. I’m afraid that my ability to grieve is badly compromised by the nature of my losses. I found myself crying on the trail with the pain of losing the “real life” that I had for such a short time. And even when the loss was clear — loss of Shenanigan, of Dana & marriage, I wasn’t able to participate fully in my grieving because I kept falling into depression. I do not know how to let myself grieve, sit with my grief, without falling into depression. I keep trying to do it but I’m afraid my efforts are sabotaged by dysfunction so I’m unable to really surrender into the process of grief which then creates more toxic depression. It would be much easier if I could spend one day wholeheartedly grieving and the next have some respite and joy, but it seems like I am either stumbling through the fog and dark and cold of depression with very little joy, or else I’m “doing well” and the grief doesn’t appear at all.
Spent 20 minutes meditating, what Greenspan calls “heart flow” — just breathing in & out of the heart. What I discovered is how wounded my heart is — grey with red wounds, battered and bruised and pierced by swords. I realize I don’t care at all how much of it was done by others (mother launching her poisoned spear into my open heart) and how much by me in the effort to protect myself. I see the wounds and I want to bring compassion and tenderness to my poor heart, comfort it, and ask nothing of it for a while so it might be able to heal a little. I think it would be good to continue with this meditation.
I painted the image of my heart as grey and wounded with dark red slashes, & tried to stay with the pain.
Miriam Greenspan‘s book, Healing Through the Dark Emotions, has been very helpful for me.