My Journal

I’ve been keeping a journal for many years.  I’ve been writing every day for quite a while.  It’s part of my healing process.  It can be very useful to go back and read what was happening a couple of years, or a couple of months ago.  It usually gives me perspective, though there are times when I read about the good stuff and can’t believe it, it sounds like someone else’s life.  I type up about half of what I write.  For this blog, I’ve picked out journal entries that I hope other people will find helpful.

The entries have not been written on the day that they are posted.  At first I was frustrated by this.  I was imagining that chronological order would show a path of healing.  But looking back over the last five years I see there have been many ups and downs.  When I’m feeling good, I imagine “I’m well now!” and stop doing the things that were helping, meaning medication and therapy, with disastrous consequences.  When I’m feeling bad, it feels like it’s always been that way and will always be that way — and I have to remind myself that “forever” is part of the chemistry of depression.  Most of the time an entry saying “I’ve finally got there,  I’m doing fine,”  will be followed a few months later by one saying “I feel as horrible as I’ve ever felt…”

Journal entry April 6, 2007
Second cup of tea.  Fire going better.  Snow has stopped.  Sky opening up in the west.  To whom am I writing this report?  To some great wise being who loves me and loves all the details of my life.  So amazing.  My heart grows warm and I have a sense of that being settling down next to me with an arm over my shoulders, and my shoulders feel warm.  Thank you!

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