The Hardest Work There Is

(Written in June 2009)
I read the passage to Karen about how I hadn’t done as much with my life as I might have. She said the obvious things: that there’s no way I can know that, that it’s a mistake to compare myself to others, that I had done a lot of good with the life I was given. At first I was resistant, but then I began to accept and remember — that if I hadn’t been traumatized I might have become an academic, all the negative messages of the culture would still have been operative (I think of Sue Monk Kidd’s journey), and I have helped some people, changed some lives. I think of Meaghan, and Lee Ann, and Pat saying I’d helped her understand Michael better. Unfortunately, the only people who can tell whether I’ve done the best I could, are the ones who really know what I’m up against. Caryn says it’s the hardest work there is and I’m doing it, that a lot of people quit, won’t go to this deep place. Karen said “You’ve done the hero’s journey!” At that point I could take it in, and believe that it was true. We also talked about how hard it is if you are one of the pioneers of this work, of course there are a lot of people who don’t understand. I left the session able to accept that I’ve actually done well with the life I was given. I’ve healed a lot, and I have managed to give some expression to my creativity.

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