Angry at Myself

(Written in April 2009)
Woke scared & sad. I really fell apart inside yesterday. I’m sure it’s because everybody’s leaving. We just had a wonderful weekend of training in Women’s Ritual Dances with Laura Shannon. I’m also feeling a lot of grief that I wasn’t able to participate in all the richness that was there. I’m having trouble finding compassion for my wounded broken self.

I can tell that I’m really angry at myself for not doing better. I can feel it in my chest, a sort of cramping and constricting, and in my upper arms & shoulders, neck & jaw. I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t make it change by trying to, or willing it.

Take a big step back. Here’s this woman, who at great personal cost built and subsidizes a building that is a healing sanctuary where magical things can happen. We just completed a training for women in becoming in touch with their own power, in energizing themselves from the powers of nature, of the living earth, and using this power for good in the world. Not in her wildest dreams could the visionary who built the building have imagined such a fulfillment of her vision. It was the perfect embodiment of all she hoped for. But the woman herself, for mysterious reasons probably connected to childhood trauma, was unable to fully participate, appreciate, and enjoy the event she had made possible. Can I feel compassion for her? At least it seems to have dissolved the anger, all I feel now is sadness.

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