Journal Work

(Written in September 2010)
What would it be like if I believed that I was a good person who was doing her best to do good in the world? I can feel an odd softening, almost tingling in my heart. I woke up very tired — I’m having English Breakfast tea — and a little scared & sad which feels like a very low intensity version of “shocked heart.” I try to hold & comfort it but nothing changes. Well, then, I’ll just reassure the baby that it’s OK, it doesn’t have to change, I’ll just stay with it in the fear, and I won’t leave it alone.
Massage was comforting except that the music was ‘Secret Garden.’ I don’t know what it is about that music that makes me feel — what? — sad, lost, bereft, like I don’t belong here — I really can’t find the words. I felt that way all day. Lonely, raw, sensitive, quivering, like very vulnerable parts of me are being exposed to something that denies their existence. It’s not hostility, but indifference, indifference that disappears me. What I desperately want is something warm & grounded that holds me lovingly and comforts me and tells me she’s glad I’m here. “I am glad you’re here, even when you’re scared,” I say to the baby me, and I can feel her relief. Writing it down, I can see that it’s a pretty accurate picture of Baby Jenny in Mom’s energy field. And as I’m writing the description I’m feeling more solid and present and comfortable. I’m pretty sure all those weird feelings are flashbacks. Maybe the hot weather triggers flashbacks to infancy in Cincinnati in summer.
“I’m glad you’re here, you can be as scared as you need to be, and I’ll be right here, I’m not going away.”
I started reading the blog in the evening, when even a puzzle & solitaire wasn’t working, and the blog was comforting. And there’s a chill of fear. It’s OK that I’m finding my own writing comforting, it’s the truth about my life. “There, there, dear, it’s Mom who didn’t like your creativity and your quest for truth. She’s dead. I’m here and I support your creativity and quest for truth, it’s the deepest and most true part of you.”
8:10 heard geese! Went outside, a single skein traveling south.

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