(Written in January 2007)
Woke early feeling very lost. We stayed up late watching Spitfire Grill. I think I may have seen it before, but can’t remember for sure. There was a Viet Nam vet living in the woods, and at one point the heroine says something like: “Some wounds are so deep it hurts worse to heal them.” That really resonates for me. It’s the only thing that makes sense of my life — that I’m trying to heal wounds that are huge and deep and old, that to heal them, I have to feel them again. So the lost feelings are those of a baby whose mother has rejected it, a child who has no where to turn for help or comfort, an adult who keeps being overwhelmed with feelings of despair and terror, and all the unnamable feelings of isolation, cold, lostness.
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty bummed out and very lost. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you. We gather around you sending warmth and affection your way. You work so hard! And you so badly want to give good things to people. Dear, you YOURSELF are the gift of your life. All your hard work on yourself, and the wisdom you have learned from the struggle with despair and terror are what you embody in the world. When Jane says she feels safe to talk to you about ANYTHING, when someone in a workshop comments on your authenticity, they are responding to the energy of compassion that you embody. You change the world by your very presence. Relax, dear, stop trying so hard. It is perfectly appropriate for you to focus all your energy on taking care of yourself. WE LOVE YOU.